Fantastic Four:
The Fantastic Four is a movie about The Fantastic Four.
it is different from the movie they made about the Fantastic Four a few years ago, which was the sequel to the movie they made about the Fantastic Four a few years before that.
there have been any number of movies made about the Fantastic Four in the fifty-someodd years that they've been a thing and, to the best of my knowledge they've all been shite.
it's shitty Fantastic Four movies all the way down.

Fantastic Four starts off with a young Mr. Fantastic and his friend The Thing in grade school.
dialog from the movie says that they're in fifth grade but they look a lot older, at least seventh or eighth.
Mr. Fantastic is supposed to give a presentation to the class about whatever dumb shit 5th Graders are supposed to report on and he tells the class that he's been working on a teleportation device in his garage.
instead of being really, really impressed, or at least dismissively bemused, Mr. Fantastic's teacher just tells him he's a fucking idiot because i guess he got into teaching school for the cruelty.
later that day Mr. Fantastic breaks into a junk yard run by The Thing's parents and steals some car parts to finish making his teleporter.
to the best of my knowledge this is the first and only time in the movies that The Thing is portrayed as Jewish like he is in the comic books.
there are only, like, three Jewish characters in the Marvel universe and i don't remember the X-Men movies portraying Kitty Pryde as explicitly Semitic, either.
they show a mezuzah on the Grim's doorpost and a menorah on a bookshelf, though, what kind of Jews run a junkyard?
anyways, Mr. Fantastic is able to build his teleporter with a bunch of spare parts from The Thing.
ten years later Mr. Fantastic and The Thing are seniors in high school and they enter another version of their transporter into the science fair but one of the judges is their same asshole 5th Grade teacher for some reason who continues to unreasonably shit on their invention even though they clearly made something disappear.
fortunately, a Benevolent Black Guy comes along and tells Mr. Fantastic that he is So Very Special and offers him a scholarship to a school for gifted youngsters, which is the plot of X-Men not The Fantastic Four.
The Fantastic Four is a story about people who are at least in their early thirties.
Mr. Fantastic has gray wings in his temples, for fuck's sake, but i guess they thought “to hell with continuity, everybody likes teenagers!”

it turns out that this special school for gifted youngsters is really just a warehouse where the Benevolent Black Guy is having teenagers build him a teleportation device to another world, somehow.
Mr. Fantastic meets the Invisible Girl and the Human Torch who are the Benevolent Black Guy's kids, only one is Black and the other is White.
the Internet lost its shit about the Human Torch being Black, they thought it was Hollywood pandering to minorities for no other purpose then to pander to minorities.
i thought it would bother me, too, but it turns out, i really couldn't care less what color the Human Torch is.
Mr. Fantastic also meets Dr. Doom who is a teenager like the rest of them and they all set upon making a teleportation device to another planet.
once they finally have it made, they call The Thing to come out and teleport to this new world with them because you never know when there might be some junk that might need salvaging, or whatever.
Mr. Fantastic, the Human Torch, The Thing and Dr. Doom teleport to the different world.
they don't even think to invite the Invisible Woman even though she worked on the project just the same as the rest of them and did way more to further things along then the Thing ever did.
on the new planet things go bad and everybody ends up getting splashed with green shit which is how people get super powers in comic books.
Mr. Fantastic, the Human Torch and the Thing end up getting back to the teleportation device and beaming back to Earth but Dr. Doom ends up getting stranded on the barren, toxic green planet.
the green shit gives Mr. Fantastic, The Human Torch and The Thing their powers but it also gives powers to The Invisible Girl, somehow, even though she was back on Earth the whole time, in her lab.
they don't even bother to make that make sense.

a year later the Military has abducted Mr. Fantastic, the Human Torch the Thing and the Invisible Girl and is keeping them in a Top Secret Location.
because i guess due process doesn't exist in this world.
they've got The Thing, who is a giant rock monster in case you didn't know, doing “covert special opps” missions in Afghanistan or somewhere, though, i don't have the slightest idea how covert a fucking rock monster can be.
and also, what can The Thing do that the U.S. Military can't do already, either with regular special opps troops who have had proper training or hellfire drones?
The Thing mostly just fights by throwing people at other people. i can't imagine that that's all that much use in any kind of battlefield scenario.
the Human Torch and the Invisible Girl spend their time practicing their powers while Mr. Fantastic used his super-stretching ability to escape and run off to Central America for some reason.
after a long while The Government is able to relocate Mr. Fantastic and they send The Thing to go round him up and drag him back to the top secret location and they have him build another teleporter to get them all back to the planet with all the mutegenic green shit for some ill-conceived reason.
on the other planet Government troops find Dr. Doom who had been stranded on the barren wasteland for over a year now, staggering towards them.
he didn't stride over, implying that he had learned to somehow thrive on the wasteland of a planet, he staggered over, on the verge of collapse.
which meant the planet was able to sustain him for the entire time up to, maybe, six or seven days prior to the Government's return to the planet?
no mention was ever made of what the fuck us up with that.
the Government takes Dr. Doom back to Earth, back to the top-secret lab where the Fantastic Four are kept, but as soon as he regains consciousness he immediately starts going nuts, killing people for no good reason with powers he never had in the comic books.
in the comics, Dr. Doom is a technological genius/Eastern European tyrant who's vanity and megalomania drive him to want to conquer the world.
in the movie Dr. Doom is portrayed as a monster who inexplicably wants to destroy Earth so he can be the only person who gets to live on the planet where he had just been rescued from, weak and starving.
what's the motivation there?
megalomaniacs need people to adore them, otherwise what's the fucking point?
also, since he was a teenager before he teleported to the planet that made him a monster, when the fuck did Dr. Doom have the time to get his doctorate?
i doubt they offer an advanced degree in being a monster on the barren mutegenic green shit wasteland planet?
Dr. Doom opens a portal to the other planet somehow, though, by this time the movie has stopped even trying to make any kind of sense.
the planet itself, which, though barren with no signs of any kind of life, civilization or technology, has somehow manifested some kind of beam it could shoot into the sky which would destroy Earth.
the Fantastic Four have to beam over to the planet to fight Dr. Doom which they do, throwing him into the Earth-destroying beam from the planet and saving Earth.
when they get back to Earth the Government which had held them hostage for over a year decides to just let them do whatever the hell they want. the end.

i don't know where to begin with this movie.
the main characters didn't have any charisma, Dr. Doom didn't have any kind of ascertainable motivation for his villainy, there wasn't even the slightest pretense at trying to make the science driving he narrative to make sense.
the movie had no internal logic, there was absolutely no attempt whatsoever to create a world that could be believed by the audience.
the whole thing was just just one long hail mary with the production staff hoping people would have the decency to not think too hard about what was going on at any given moment.
but they failed, horribly.
you would think, at the end of production, the people at Fox would watch the finished product and say to themselves “yeah, good effort and all, but this isn't a thing,” and throw it into the trash.
the fact that they put this out into the world as bad as it is, knowing that it was going to land like a splattery turd can only be taken as an insult by the movie-consuming public.
what the fuck is wrong with you, Fox Pictures!?! what the fuck were you thinking!?!
for actually shocking me with the chutzpah it takes to submit this movie to the viewing public, The Fantastic Four earns a 2.6/10.

Deadpool:
the thing about Deadpool is that he is jokey.
joke joke joke, everything with the character Deadpool is a fucking joke and as a general rule, i don't like jokes.
it's really hard to be funny and when people are trying to be funny, it is almost impossible.
so, Deadpool never appealed to me as a comic book character.
yet, i had heard good things about the Deadpool movie and had high expectations.
i was not disappointed.

Deadpool is a movie about Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool.
Ryan Reynolds has been trying to make himself of some use to the world for the better part of the past decade but, even though he is a person i am aware of, i can't really tell you why.
i think he mostly makes romantic comedies?
most famously, Ryan Reynolds made one of the worst superhero movies ever made with Green Lantern which was a critical and commercial failure as well as being an insult to comic book fans and people who watch movies but yet, for some reason, they let him try again.
so they let him play Deadpool in X-Men Origins: Wolverine which was another critical and commercial failure and an insult to fans of the Deadpool character because it had almost nothing to do with the way the character is supposed to be.
but, third time's the charm, right, so the people at Fox who own the X-Men franchise gave the dude carte blanche to make his own Deadpool movie and, what do you know, this time it came out pretty good.

the movie starts off with Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool trying to kill some people on a bridge, interspersed with backstory about how Deadpool came to be Deadpool.
he was a wisecracking mercenary who got cancer and signed up with some dodgy motherfuckers who experiment on people to try to activate mutant powers in them through torture.
so, they torture Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool for a while and after some time he develops a healing factor that makes him nigh invulnerable.
Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool then manages to escape the facility and spends the rest of the movie trying to capture and/or kill the people who tortured him and left him horribly disfigured.
Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool's main motivation is to get un-disfigured so he can get back to his girlfriend who he thinks won't have him because he is so horribly scarred.
it is that tired old movie trope where, a character just decides their loved ones are better off without them because they are so horribly disfigured and abandons them without stopping to ask what they might want.
i hate that shit.
just let your loved ones decide for themselves if you are too gross for them to be with.
it's their call, not yours!
along the way to track down the people he is trying to murder, Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool runs into Colossus from the X-Men and Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is a chubby teenage goth girl.
they help him fight his enemies for a while, then Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool is able to get back to his girlfriend who accepted him, grotesquely scarred face and all, the end.

Deadpool was entertaining despite all the karate and gun fights, funny without being obnoxious and charming in spite of itself.
the problem with the movie is that, if you've seen a commercial for Deadpool [and there was plenty of marketing for the movie] then you've pretty much seen the whole movie.
the didn't save anything for the paying customers, they pretty much put everything they had into the trailers and that's it, here you go, enjoy.
also, i was disappointed that there wasn't more Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
chubby teenage girls with pissy attitudes are kinda my thing.

for being charming, for being an action movie with more to it then just karate and explosions, for being a comedy that wasn't tripping all over itself, for making a case for why Deadpool might be a good character after all and for finally finding a use for Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool earns an 8.0/10.

//[onward ho!]
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July 2017

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