on 30 December, 10:30pm, after a long, fun day of learning how to ride a motorcycle [see yesterday's post] all i wanted to do was relax and turn in for bed early.
unfortunately, my next door neighbor just wanted to hang out in the parking lot and twerk.
we heard music blasting from one of the cars in the parking lot and went out to the patio to scowl down in disapproval.
we found a Black lady standing in the parking lot in the car's headlights, hunched over her ass to the car, twerking along to the loud, loud music being blasted.
this went on for no less then fifteen minutes.
the twerking culprit was our new downstairs neighbor.
a family of Black people moved into the apartment downstairs from us while we were in New Jersey in early December.
they replaced the other family of Black people who used to live there, though, if the apartment hadn't been empty for a few weeks in between the PSE and i would have had no idea.
they are both families of indeterminate number with people coming and going in and out of the place all the time.
they are both families of loud, trashy and terrible and will stand out in the parking lot making unintelligible guttural barks and baboon noises.
they are both families that illicit contempt and unadulterated racism from the PSE and me.
after shaking our heads at this twerking party disturbing our peace the PSE and i decided we needed to take another crack at trying to buy ourselves a house of our own.

the PSE and i have been trying to get ourselves a house for years.
unsuccessfully, because the thing about home ownership is that everybody wants you to have money and/or a job before they'll let you have a house.
which is total bullcrap.
the PSE and i would be great home owners and would be able to pay down a house with no problem the way we pay for our apartment, but, you can't just tell a mortgage company that.
the PSE and i have tried.
lately the PSE and i have been trying to buy a house cash.
take the $40,000 we have in savings and $20,000 we have in stocks and see if that's enough to buy a house straight out.
it would wipe us out entirely leaving us with nothing to buy groceries or anything else, but we'll worry about that problem down the road.
every day the PSE will go on the Zillow and the Trulia and look at all the houses for sale in our price range.
mostly there is nothing or what there is is just a dilapidated pile of rubble, but occasionally, every once in a while the PSE will find something worth checking out.

i sent a text message to a woman named Glitter or Sparkle or something like that who is a licensed real estate agent.
the PSE and i met Glitter/Sparkle when we looked at some shitty house that was being sold for $77,000 a couple days before Thanksgiving.
she was the agent for the seller.
she showed us the house and we decided we didn't want it because it was crooked, but the PSE liked her and we took her contact information.
Glitter/Sparkle told us that the thing about real estate agents is that they get paid out of the Seller's closing costs so it would cost us nothing to employ one.
which seems like bullshit, things have got to be cheaper when you do them by yourself, but as long as Glitter/Sparkle doesn't hit us up for any fees or ask us to sign any documents then, sure, we'll talk to you.
i sent Glitter/Sparkle the two addresses that we were interested in taking a look at and she told us to meet her at the first one at 10:30am on 31, December.
Glitter/Sparkle also told me that her name was Heather, but that doesn't seem right.

the PSE and i woke up early on 31, December and took Monster to go drive over to the first house that we wanted to take a look at.
it was on the market for $58,000, though the Zillow Zestimate estimated the house's value to be north of $85,000.
what's the deal there?
the house was about twenty minutes from our apartment, but still just a ten minute drive from my Law School, which is an important variable.
it was located in what seemed to be the Mexican part of town, right behind several used car dealerships and a pawn shop.
the PSE and i got to the house ten minutes early and walked around the grounds.
the backyard was nice and big, though the grass was mostly dead.
on the other side of a chain-linked fence from the backward was a backyard full of dogs, a Chihuahua and two Pit-Bulls that were obviously being bred.
because it was a Mexican neighborhood, there were several roosters going off in several of the surrounding yards, one after the other, incessantly.

after poking around in the backyard we went back to the front of the house where we found a family loitering around in their car.
at first i assumed they were the owners of the house, but, they assumed the same of the PSE and i.
it turned out, they were also interested in the house, though, they were not working with an agent.
they were just driving around and saw the “for sale” sign and thought they could walk right in, i guess?
the family was comprised of an older, respectable-looking Black dude, a younger, twitchy, scabby White lady and the White lady's son who might have been stupid.
i'm not sure of their relationship.
White girls are great and all, but i don't know why an older, respectable-looking Black guy would want to date a White lady who was clearly on drugs.
maybe he was her sponsor?
the boy asked to pet Monster, and then spent several minutes meowing at her from across the yard.
everybody ignored him.

after a while Glitter/Sparkle turned up in her little SMART car which is neither smart nor a car.
the vagabond family asked if she could show them the house too and she said that she could, though, first she would have to get the place unlocked.
Realtors always have contraptions on the doors of houses that they are showing and they can look up the code for the contraptions on the MLS but for whatever reason the code that Glitter/Sparkle had wasn't working.
she tried to call the listing agent but they didn't respond.
after a while, both the PSE and i, and the multiracial family of vagabonds left the first property unable to view it, disappointed.

next the PSE the Monster and i drove over to the other side of town, the Black side of town, to look at the second property we were interested in.
Glitter/Sparkle trailed behind us in her SMART not-car.
the neighborhood of the second house was noticeably worse then the first.
there were crackheads loitering about on the corners, and vagabonds sitting around on the stoops.
still, the PSE and i look at ourselves as pioneers, the brave vanguard of gentrification and with any luck, all of these poor people will be priced out of the neighborhood, sending our home value sky-rocketing in a few years time.

Glitter/Sparkle was able to properly unlocked the door-locking contraption on the second house and we were able to proceed inside to inspect the place.
the PSE and i always say that we're not too worried about cosmetics, that we know that for the money we are going to be paying for a house that we're not going to get much.
we just want a house that is move-in ready, with a solid roof and no electrical or plumbing problems. we'll take care of the rest.
in fact, we look forward to the opportunity to fix up a house, that's part of the fun.
that said, this house was a fucking mess.
it looked like it had last been inhabited by old people.
even if the bones of the house were healthy, the cosmetic damage and disrepair was significant.
the asking price for the house was $49,000.
it had two bedrooms and one bathroom.

after walking the house the PSE, Monster, Glitter/Sparkle and i went out to the backyard.
the backyard wasn't as nice as the first house we looked at and couldn't get into and it also had the problem of being adjacent to a chatty neighbor.
a middle-aged Black dude was out working in the backyard of the house next door.
he was cleaning up a huge mess caused by a fire that burned nearly half of his house down.
the fire erupted in the middle of the morning two weeks previous. nobody was home, but his two dogs burned alive.
the fire was caused by faulty wiring in the old house.
which made me concerned about the wiring in the house we were looking at.
the guy went on and on, talking our ears off about his house fire and about his troubles.
Glitter/Sparkle and i kept trying to back out of the conversation but he didn't take the social cues.
eventually i just walked away and left Glitter/Sparkle on her own.
if the PSE and i were to buy this house, the first order of business would be to build tall fences.

the problem with the house we were looking at was that the central air unit had been stolen right out of the backyard.
by crackheads, for the value in scrap metal.
the chatty neighbor said that that must have happened in the past two weeks because it was fine the last time he looked.
the PSE and i don't have any idea how much a new central air conditioning unit costs, but whatever it is, it is probably not worth it.
between the generally gross condition of the house, and the neighborhood beyond, this would be another pass for the PSE and i.
sorry, Glitter/Sparkle, looks like the afternoon is a big fat waste of your time.

later that night, the PSE said that she was reconsidering our plan to buy a house on the cheep.
that whatever we could get for $60,000 wouldn't be worth it and that we would be better off waiting, waiting, waiting until we can collect more money and buy something nicer.
of course, i don't know where the fuck she thinks we're gonna collect more money from.
right now, most of our hopes for home ownership are tied up in the latest Home and Gardens Dream Home Giveaway contest.
accepting entries until the end of February.
if that doesn't pan out for us, i don't know what the fuck are are going to do.

//[onward ho!]

September 2017

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