xtitsx: (poodle)
( 12 Jan 2017 04:03 pm)
last week sometime i woke up, took the Monster for a walk, then came back to find i had a missed call waiting for me on my cellphone.
it was not a number i recognized, but it was from a 973 area code, the area code for the greater Newark area, my old hometown.
there was no voicemail.
normally i would return a missed call immediately, i love when people call me, but this one gave me pause.
who the hell is calling me from New Jersey!?!
after a few minutes i called the number back and i was surprised to find my old friend Daniels, drunk as shit like he normally is when he calls, around 2:00pm Eastern.
he greeted me with a surly “this fucking guy!” then spent the long while blathering on like he does, about the usual Daniels topics.
about how much life sucks, about how great he used to be, about how things would have been so different for him if only he married his old high school girlfriend.
which sounds like a sad pile of shit to have to listen to, but Daniels is funny and charming, too.
for as much as life has made him a pathetic misanthrope, he is still smarter then most of the world and one of the few people who can make me laugh out loud.
also, friendship means obligation, so, okay old friend, let's talk about whatever nonsense you've got on your mind for as long as i can stand.
i lasted fifty-five minutes.

from time to time, my old friend Olivia will send me pictures of art that she's drawn.
Olivia doesn't have much going on in her life so she's got plenty of time to draw.
mostly it's pictures of her as some kind of fairy person.
Olivia's efforts aren't exactly my style of art, i think art should either be subversive or charming, whatever Banksy's doing or Dogs Playing Poker, but if Olivia wants to show me pictures of herself as an elf standing around looking at some deer or whatever, okay, sure.
i'll say something encouraging like “hey, nice art!” or “great job!” because i guess that's what she wants, though sometimes i really don't have the time to be patronizing.
one day last week i told Olivia “well that's a good one!” because it was a good one and i said “i'd hang that in my house!” because, sure, i'd hang a lot of stuff in my house.
to which Olivia replied “prints available soon. support the arts 2017!”
which immediate offended me.
motherfucker, are you trying to sell me your art!?! do you want me to pay you my money!?!
don't i always take you out for Benihana and ice cream every time i'm back in New Jersey!?! you want more from me now?
have you just been playing me this whole time as some kind of long-con hustle? is our friendship just a way for you to get shit out of me!?!
fuck you, man.
i didn't reply to that for ten or fifteen seconds and Olivia realized her boorishness almost immediately.
“jk i would give u one for free” she wrote, which i assume means “just kidding, i would give you one for free” in texting jive.
and then when i didn't reply for another ten or fifteen seconds Olivia added “do you want this one?”
i didn't reply to that one, either.
after a while i started to worry that maybe i was being a little mean to Olivia, she's a sensitive sort, but, whatever.
next time Olivia comes chirping i'll let her off the hook and tell her that her art is nice again but for now, she can sit in her own gauche shame.

my old friend Doughnuts sent me several texts full of photos over the holiday.
one was from his Christmas party in his condo in Miami, full of him and his wife and their Boston Terrier and his parents and a dozen other people i do not know.
Doughnuts invited me to attend his Christmas Spectacular in Miami but even if the PSE and i wanted to spend hundreds of dollars to fly halfway across the country for the visit, we were already booked visiting my Parents in New Jersey.
i didn't reply to that photo because what the hell is there to say.
“your rich Miami friends all look very expensively dressed.” “your dog is putting on weight.” “your hairline is receding.”
two weeks later Doughnuts sent me another batch of photos from another party he had over New Years.
goddamn, man, how many parties do you need to have!?!
Doughnuts had more friends in his living room then i've had in my entire life.
i imagine this is what it's like to have FaceBook, constantly having to look at pictures of people having fun.
it's a wonder more people aren't jumping from buildings and hanging themselves in trees from all the seeming good times other people are having they are beaten over the head with everywhere they look.
still, i had to reply to Doughnuts' overtures because that's what friends do and that's what it seems he wanted so i did and we talked for a while about our lives.
Doughnuts plans on going to China for a while with his Chinese wife to celebrate Chinese New Year.
he told me about all the places he planned on going in China and i told him “great, great,” then he told me about all the places he planned on going in the United Kingdom when he goes on a vacation with his Chinese wife and his parents later in the year.
great, great, great.
then i asked him what bad news he had to report.
that's a question i started asking several months ago when my friend Chunks called to brag about how awesome her life is.
“what's going wrong with your life, lately?”
i think it's important that people share their good times, but they ought to share their failures and embarrassments, too.
to keep things honest.
but Doughnuts demurred, he didn't really have much to report on the negative front.
good for him, i guess, but he has to be lying, right?

i got a call from Anthony sometime last week.
we had just hung out when i was back in New Jersey a few weeks previous and it was weird that he was calling.
Anthony knows that i find phone friendships mostly annoying.
if it had been five, six, eight months since we last talked i would have assumed Anthony was just calling to check-in and i may or may not have answered depending on whatever the hell else i was working on, but because we had just spoken, i assumed Anthony had some reason to be barking up my tree so soon, so i picked up.
sure enough, Anthony's voice was heavy with concern.
at first i was afraid he was going to ask me for money, but it didn't come to that.

Anthony had just went on a shoplifting run and ended up getting nabbed.
he went to a Target, spent a while filling his pockets with merchandise, went through the registers to make a token purchase, then, on the way out the door he got stopped by security.
“can you come with us, sir?” and they grabbed him by the arm and lead him into the unmarked room by the entrance.
they had him empty his pockets and tallied up his haul, somewhere north of $150 but less then $200.
then they called the local police, but they didn't end up pressing charges, just serving him with a No Trespass writ banning him from ever entering a Target ever again.
presumably Target doesn't prosecute for crimes under $200, which is good news for Anthony.
Wal-Mart busted my hump for a $10 pair of shoes and sent me to jail for a month.
all things considered Anthony got off pretty easy but what really rustled Anthony's jimmies was the shit that Loss Prevention talked while they were waiting for the local cops to come and witness the No Trespass.
“so, haven't seen you here in a while... what have you been up to?”
“we've been watching you for some time now...”
then, when the local police were there, the Loss Prevention pig said to him “yeah, we were on the perp's case for a while but then the trail went cold...”
apparently, Anthony has a file with his name on it at Target P.D..

the store where Anthony got nabbed was up near our hometown.
i guess he was in town visiting him mom or going to his doctor or some shit and decided to make a petty crime run.
Anthony used to hit the North Jersey Target pretty hard but then about a year ago he moved down the Shore and i guess he does his shoplifting someplace else.
but, it wasn't just this Target that had a file on Anthony, they told him that they'd been tracking him at the other regional Target, too.
it doesn't help anything that Anthony's M.O. is to steal shit then return it for store credit, using his real government ID.
still, the fact that Target had been watching Anthony, that Anthony is a name and a face in a database somewhere is pretty scary.
Big Brother Is Watching You.
when you try to steal his shit.

Anthony's main concern was that even though Target let him go that afternoon with just a No Trespass, that they might come back to arrest him later on.
that even though they don't prosecute for pety larceny under $200, that if you add up all the shit he's stolen from Target over the past several years he's been on the game, it's enough to put him away for a grand theft felony.
i told him crime doesn't work that way.
that the most he could be looking at is a series of petty larceny counts, but that only the ones within the five-year statute of limitations would apply.
still, over five years, that's a lot of petty larcenies.
Anthony was looking for reassurance so i told him that odds are, he'll be fine.
if they wanted to send him to jail, they would have had the local pig haul him away or give him a summons to appear in court.
it is entirely possible that they might yet serve him a summons to appear in court, though that's not probable.
what is likely is that Target will send out a civil demand letter, that they will say “fuck you, pay us $200 or we will take you to civil court!”
big companies try that shit all the time. Wal-Mart tried that shit with me.
you just tell them “i don't know what you're talking about, no such address, don't call here again” and they go away.
i spent an hour on the phone telling Anthony not to fret.
go home, smoke a bunch of grass and relax.
tomorrow, drive down to the nearest corporate store [Not A Target] and shoplift yourself something nice.
pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get right back in the game.
it's the only way we're going to dismantle capitalism.

while he was in the Loss Prevention booth awaiting the local law to turn up, the Loss Prevention pig turned to Anthony and asked “what do you do with this stuff? take it to pawn shops?”
the correct answer is “yeah, i don't know what you're talking about...” that's always the answer to everything every time anybody with any legal authority is asking you a question, but Anthony is kind of a pussy with situations that require confrontation.
Anthony answered the guy honestly, “no, i return it and buy groceries.”
which is the honest truth of why Anthony has spent the past several years stealing for a living.
sure, Anthony is a huge pothead who lives off of his mom's largess and makes really, really poor financial and lifestyle decisions, but everybody should be able to have food.
the fact that Anthony has to steal for groceries says more about Target then it does about Anthony in my opinion.
viva la revolución

/[onward ho!]

September 2017

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