The Unauthorized Full House Story:
The Unauthorized Full House Story is a made-for-TV movie the Lifetime channel made a year or so ago.
“why the fuck wold you watch that!?!” you ask “especially since you don't have cable!!!”
right, it's true, i didn't just turn on the TV and catch this shit one day. i went on to the Pirate Bay, actively sought it out and downloaded it, in violation of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, risking up to a $10,000 fine and five years in prison.
why? i don't fucking know why. because i like Full House, i guess.

Full House is one of those shows that nobody loves but everybody likes.
because of the way TV used to be, an unavoidable monolith that served up whatever the hell it wanted whether you liked it or not, Full House is just a part of the way everybody between twenty-five and forty grew up.
when i was a kid i used to roll my eyes at its saccharine corneyness.
i thought i was way too cool for it but yet, every Friday at 8:00pm Eastern, i'd be tuning in like everybody else in America.
i remember one T.G.I.F. i started spit-balling a story idea for an episode of Full House that was much darker, much more “real” for my mature pubescent tastes.
the A story was about Danny putting cigarettes out on his arms as a way to deal with how out-of-control he feels all the time and the B story saw Joey finally getting arrested for his years of sexually molesting Stephanie.
i guess that would be more of a series finale.
my Mother, who had to suffer through watching TV with me told me to shut the fuck up and stop trying so hard.
not in so many words, but that was her point.

looking back on it, Full House is probably in the Top Fifty Greatest Shows In The History Of Television.
probably in the Top Fifteen if you're only counting shows made before the year 2000.
they really didn't figure out that people like TV that is good until the new millennium.
so, if the Lifetime channel wants to make a movie about the history of Full House sure, okay, i'll watch that.
even though the PSE and i have a whole backlog of movies and TV shows to work through from the ten months we were out on the road on our Great Adventure, somehow The Unauthorized Full House Story made it on the queue before Batman v. Superman and Captain America: Civil War and Suicide Squad and all of those other movies with budgets.

The Unauthorized Full House Story is a loose, very unauthorized telling of the story of Full House.
it focuses primarily on Bob Sagat and how he is really a very dirty comedian and how ironic it is that he is famous for playing the squeakiest, cleanest, most cardigan sweaterest character since Ward Cleaver.
which most everybody already knows because Bob Sagat has spent most of the past fifteen years telling everybody as much any time he can get himself in the spotlight.
also, John Stamos's father owned a diner which makes total sense because Stamos is a Greek and that's what Greeks do, and Davie Coulier's sister died at some point during Season Four.
i know Bob Sagat's sister died during filming, that's kinda common knowledge, but i did not know that about Dave Coulier.
because i really don't give a shit about Davie Coulier.
i would have liked to have seen a little bit about how Dave Coulier used to date teenagers when he was in his early thirties, but that that didn't make it into the movie.
i guess Alanis Morissette and half the cast of the Canadian Mickey Mouse Club were unwilling to testify.
the show did talk a little about the shit Candice Cameron had to catch for being husky on television but they didn't make more of a big deal about it then one line she mentioned while reading a Seventeen magazine.
i'm sure at the time, though, the fact that she was chunky was a huge crisis for the poor girl in real life.
most notably, The Unauthorized Full House Story didn't mention a goddamned thing about all the trouble that befell Jodie Sweetin after Full House went off the air.
everybody gets a kick out of the idea of little Stephanie holed up in a shack somewhere in the New Hampshire woods, freebasing cocaine and meth and cleaning solvent and getting into fistfights with a series of husbands over who gets to use their late-model Toyota Corolla for the afternoon.
Jodie Sweetin's descent into scumbaggery is story enough for a movie of its own but The Unauthorized Full House Story didn't even touch it.
which was a huge disappointment.

for being a movie about the behind the scenes drama of Full House that didn't even talk about any of the things that are interesting about the behind the scenes drama of Full House, for casting characters that looked, talked and carried themselves with no similarity to the icons they were playing and for being way too unauthorized, even for a movie that puts its unauthorized-ness right there up front, The Unauthorized Full House Story earns a 2.7/10.

Fuller House - Season One:
it turns out that last year the people at Netflix made a sequel to Full House called Fuller House.
“is this necessary?” you might ask.
my first instinct might be to agree with you, to say that this feels like a shameless cash grab, an attempt by a cynical production staff to turn nostalgia into money.
after watching the first season, i don't get that impression at all.
you can tell that these people really wanted to get back together. mostly because none of them have anything else going on.
the whole exercise is like a public works project if nothing else.
after watching the show i'm left thinking that while Full House back might not be necessary, it is certainly not entirely unnecessary, either.
bringing Full House back is certainly no less unnecessary then The Kardashians or Dancing With The Stars or the three different reality shows where they make different kinds of cakes or the four different shows where they try to catch ghosts.
eighty-five percent of everything else that gets to be a TV show is absolutely fucking unnecessary so why not give the Full House people another crack at the game.
it caught my attention, certainly.

Fuller House is an inverse of the old Full House formula.
Fuller House is a show about DJ Tanner, now Fuller, all grown up and no longer husky, who finds herself a widow raising three young boys all on her own.
her husband was a fireman who got killed because these Tanners just can't keep their spouses alive.
her sister Stephanie and her best friend The Gibbler move in to her family's San Francisco home to help her raise her kids.
The Gibbler has a tween girl of her own who she uproots from her school and her friends to come live with Deej, but, who cares about what's best for that little girl, this is Fuller House not Gibbler House.

over the next twelve half-hour episodes DJ and Stephanie and The Gibbler have an empowering female friendship and get into improbable situations and have wacky antics.
the children are all precocious and attractive and have TV problems that are all solved within a half hour.
the story arc for the season revolves around DJ getting back into dating a few months after her fireman husband burned to death.
she is torn between her partner at the veterinary clinic where she works as a veterinarian and Steve, her old high school boyfriend who has somehow become a podiatrist even though in the last few seasons of Full House it was explicitly stated that Steve was stupid.
i guess you don't have to be all that bright to be a doctor of feet.
i was Team Steve, but, in the end DJ “chooses herself” whatever the fuck that means, which is a cheep cop-out.
The Gibbler also has a romantic arc, torn between whether or not to get back together with the father of her child, a ridiculous caricature of a Latin lover.
in the end she decides not to remarry him.
Stephanie doesn't have any romantic story arcs because nobody really gives a shit about Stephanie.
she is a disco DJ now and every few episodes Fuller House will have her sing a few bars of a song because i guess Jodi Sweetin worked that into her contract because White Trash is always trying to get themselves a singing career.
every other episode either Danny, Joey, Uncle Jesse or Aunt Becky or some combination thereof will turn up for a guest appearance, just to keep the show relevant.
of course, The Olson Twins are nowhere to be seen with any of this shit. they haven't had to work a day since they got their periods.

the first episode of Fuller House was a clusterfuck of awkwardness.
the whole gang got together and hammed it up and winked at the audience and it made you physically uncomfortable to watch.
from there though the show got better. slightly.
mostly, though, you just kinda get used to the Full/Fuller House sentiment and you go with it.
all the cynicism and complexity and moral ambiguity that we've grown accustomed to as TV watchers over the past decade and a half of the Golden Age Of Television melt away and you find yourself embracing a simpler, more wholesome time in television entertainment.
this isn't to say that Fuller House ever rises to the level of being good, but for what it is, it earns its keep.
for being a watchable, almost enjoyable piece of nostalgia, Fuller House - Season One earns a 5.1/10.

Fuller House - Season Two:
to my surprise, a week or two after i got around to Fuller House i read in the news that Netflix had put out a Season Two.
i don't know what the standard for getting canceled or renewed on Netflix is, or if there is a distinction between the two, or if Fuller House would have survived if it were on a proper network, but, none of that matters, who cares, more of this shit!

Season Two of Fuller House is continues to be about whether or not DJ wants to date her partner at the veterinary clinic or her old high school boyfriend Steve.
because apparently deciding to “choose yourself” gets really lonely really quick.
in the first episode DJ makes a decision that the audience doesn't get informed of but, before she can announce her decision before her entire extended family like who she fucks is somebody everybody should care about, Steve and the Veterinarian walk in to announce that they have both decided to take girlfriends, further condemning DJ to a world of loneliness because they are the only two straight, single men in San Francisco.
about halfway through the twelve-episode season of half-hour episodes, the Veterinarian decides that he does not want to continue dating his attractive, petite, young girlfriend Who Does Not Have Three Children and that he would rather date DJ instead.
DJ goes along, though, in the last few episodes we find out that it was Steve that she was going to choose and that she still carries a torch for him.
Steve is pretty into DJ, too, and he would leave his girlfriend for her if DJ would say something, but she doesn't, so Steve gets engaged to his girlfriend because you've got to date somebody.
also, Stephanie starts dating the Gibbler's brother, who is an idiot, but she doesn't seem to mind.
i don't think anything of note happens with the Gibbler except that her wacky foreign husband moves into the house and becomes a main cast member.
the kids all start dating different people, too, and, when they pop in for a Special Guest Appearance every three or four episodes, Uncle Jesse and Becky decide to adopt a little Black baby.
the end.

once again, Season Two of Fuller House was a comfortable, formulaic, nice and easy show to watch.
the kind of thing you can put on while you're doing other things and be comfortable in the fact that you're not missing much.
i don't normally go for that kind of TV, i normally expect to take TV seriously and for TV to take me seriously, but this was a nice change of pace.
nobody is going to put Fuller House on their list of the Ten Greatest Shows Of All Time, or Fifty or Three Hundred And Fifty, but, the world is better with Full House still around.
for being just fine, Fuller House earns a 5.4/10.

//[onward ho!]

September 2017

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