Star Trek Beyond:
Star Trek Beyond is the third installment of the J.J. Abrams Star Trek reboot universe.
like most people who take Star Trek seriously, i do not care for the J.J. Abrams Star Trek reboot universe.
they took an idea that was dodgy at best -fucking with an established canon that millions and millions of people take seriously- and boloxed it up from there.
the Star Trek people could have done anything, made a movie about anything, but instead, they thought it would be a good idea to go back and do Kirk and Spock and the Enterprise 1701, only to make it stupider and with more explosions.
i was willing to give the first movie in the reboot universe an E for effort.
the second one was a shit show, so i was not expecting much from the third.
and 'not much' is what i got.

Star Trek Beyond is the story from the USS Enterprise's third year of deep space exploration.
the ship pulls into an awesome-looking floating city that the United Federation of Planets built as a starbase for resupply.
you ask yourself, 'if the Enterprise has been out exploring deep space for the past three years out of a five-year mission, how are they able to to go resupply at a Federation Starbase populated with millions of Federation citizens?'
great question. the answer is that i don't think the movie gives much of a shit about logic.
anyways, at the awesome-looking floating city starbase Kirk and the gang received a distress call from some weird-looking alien broad and because Kirk can't resist trying to stick his dick in weird-looking alien broads he takes the Enterprise out to go help her.
and the Enterprise is quickly dispatched by a whole swarm of tiny little ships that cut through them like a hot knife through butter.
Kirk and Spock and McCoy and the rest of them all crash land on a nearby planet below where they are set upon by Alien Idris Elba who set up the attack to steal some alien artifact that Kirk had been playing with at the beginning of the movie.
the alien artifact was some kind of biological weapon, maybe?
i'm not sure exactly what its deal was, but it was some kind of MacGuffin that Alien idris Elba wanted for bad guy purposes.

anyways, Kirk and Spock and McCoy and the rest of the gang all have to team up with some girl who had been stranded on the planet for reasons i'm not sure of who had been hiding out in an old Federation starship that had disappeared over a hundred years previous
a series of action sequences happen, Kirk and friends are able to rescue the rest of the Enterprise that doesn't really matter except all of the ones that died in the initial swarm attack, and they manage to get the old Federation starship up and running again.
the fact that it had been sitting crash-landed for over a hundred years doesn't seem to make the slightest bit of difference to it's operational capability.
the gang fly the old ship in pursuit of the swarm of tiny ships that attacked them who were en route to attack the awesome-looking floating city starbase with the MacGuffin that that Alien Idris Elba was able to find.
they have a big battle and you would think that the swarm would be able to make short work of the ancient old ship that had been sitting and rusting for a full century but Kirk and Spock and McCoy and the rest were able to defeat the swarm by playing the Beastie Boys at them.
i shit you not. that's really what happened.
so, The Beastie Boys was able to deactivate the entire swarm of enemy ships but Alien Idris Elba is able to break through the lines in an effort to release the MacGuffin super weapon into the awesome-looking floating city starbase to kill everybody for some nebulous bad guy reasons.
Kirk has to follow him so they can have a fist fight and we find out that Alien Idris Elba is actually a human, the original captain of the hundred year old Federation starship who decided that he hated the Federation and everything that it stands for for reasons that were never developed at all and seem entirely irrational.
Kirk is able to beat him, of course, and the day gets saved, the end.

Star Trek Beyond raises way more questions then it answers.
the movie makes a hand-waiving effort at bullshit answers to questions like “why is the crew of this old Federation starship still alive?” and “how did they get a fleet of swarm ships?” but other questions they just leave unanswered. or, more likely, they couldn't come up with anything that makes sense.
if Idris Elba was the original captain of the hundred year old Federation starship that crash-landed on the planet, shouldn't he know where that ship was parked and that it was being used as a secret base of resistance by the girl who had been hiding out inside of it?
did they just forget about this ship? did they not care to try to find her?
second, why are Idris Elba and his henchmen going by different names now?
when he was a Federation captain Idris Elba's name was Edison but all of his men now call him Krull.
why change your name just because you've decided to be a big bad?
finally, the biggest question that Star Trek Beyond raises is what the fuck is Idris Elba's problem?
it's a long road from Federation Starship captain to super-villain hellbent on the mindless slaughter of millions of civilians.
the movie should at least try to make some kind of an effort to explain why what he thought he was doing was a good idea.
but instead, the Big Bad just acts evil for evil's sake and we are asked to just sit back and go with it in between numerous series of of action sequences.

Star Trek Beyond suffers from a lack of quality control.
at some point, when Spock has been harpooned by some shrapnel, Dr. McCoy tells him “an inch to the left and you'd be dead.”
the Federation doesn't run on inches, they're on the metric system Dr. McCoy shouldn't know what an inch is.
for a lack of quality control, for a plot riddled with holes, for a gross reliance on tedious action sequences and, most objectionably, for defeating a swarm of alien ships by blaring the Beastie Boys at them over a loudspeaker, a winking isn't-this-cool!?! bit of sloppy writing that should make even the Beastie Boys themselves shout “STOP IT!!!” at the TV, Star Trek Beyond earns a 4.0/10.

//[ab irato ad astra]

September 2017

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