Star Trek: Renegades:
Star Trek: Renegades is not a real movie.
it was not made by a real studio, did not have a proper budget and, by and large, it was not made by proper actors.
Star Trek: Renegades is a movie that was made by the guy who played Tuvok on Star Trek: Voyager who is apparently a huge Star Trek nerd in real life and who just wanted to make a movie.
not for fame or fortune [i can't imagine] but for the love of Star Trek.
which i really respect, so i was willing to set my normally discerning tastes aside to see what Tuvok had to offer.
unfortunately, all the good intentions in the world can't make a movie worth watching if you don't have millions and millions of dollars.

Star Trek: Renegades is a movie about some assholes who are blowing up planets where the United Federation of Planets mines and processes dilithium crystals.
in case you didn't know [And You Should Know] dilithium crystals are what the Federation uses in their mater/anti-mater reactors to power their warp drives.
after two or three dilithium processing plants are destroyed Admiral Chekov who is a hundred and forty years old but somehow gets to be in charge of Starfleet Security decides to enlist Tuvok, who is in charge of Federation covert-ops to 'assemble a band of rogues' to 'work outside the law' to 'get things done' to stop the bad guys 'with extreme prejudice.'
several other cliches get thrown in there, too.
you would think that the head of Starfleet Security could just task the Federation's best and brightest to the case of something as important as terrorists destroying the only way anybody gets around.
get Captain Picard and the fucking pride of the fleet Enterprise-E on the case, or Ben Sisko and the actually-badass warship Defiant if he isn't still fucking around playing Space Jesus with wormhole gods.
but, instead of any of that, Chekov just contracts out to a bunch of 'badass misfits' who 'play by their own rules.'
the movie goes to great detail explaining who these badass misfits are and what about their backstories makes them so badass, but they never bother to explain why they are together, how they got a ship of their own that can go toe-to-toe with a Federation ship and several Klingon destroyers or what they were doing before Admiral Chekov gave them a purpose.
it doesn't really matter, though.
asking questions like that is asking too much of the movie.

the Badass Crew of Misfits eventually track down the assholes who are threatening the Federation's dilithium crystals to their secret base, somewhere.
it turns out the bad guys have some kind of grievance with the Federation for destroying their world with some kind of magical obelisk.
they intend to use the magical obelisk to destroy the Federation and they end up blocking the Earth from its sun, somehow.
the Badass Crew of Misfits defeat the big bad assholes, disarm the magical obelisk and save Earth.
you would think that would be good enough to earn them all pardons from whatever it is that drove them to living on the edge of society, but Admiral Chekov and Tuvok make them go back out into the galaxy to continue living as misfits in the hops of parlaying the movie into a series on the internet, maybe.
you can't expect me to follow that, Tuvok. that's asking too much.
the end.

of course Star Trek: Renegades was a terrible movie.
i can tolerate the lackluster special effects and i can live with the amateur acting.
what sunk the boat, though, was the steaming pile of cliché.
the whole thing read like it had been written by a not-particularly-talented tenth grader.
and sure, i get that this was just a movie Tuvok made with his friends with money he begged off of KickStarter, but you would think Tuvok must know at least one or two dudes who can write.
or at least some people who know what bad writing is when they read it.
but apparently he doesn't and the movie suffers from several occasions where the dialog makes me physically cringe.
like, i would feel a great swell of embarrassment and pity for the poor people involved in the whole thing.
which is stupid because these motherfuckers got to make a movie.
that's a far sight cooler then a lot of the shit i've ever done with my life.

after i finished watching Star Trek: Renegades i felt a little bad about stealing it off the internet.
this is the first and only time that that has ever happened to me.
normally i am totally cool with internet piracy, more then that, i think people have an obligation to steal their movies and TV shows off the internet, to take money out of the hands of the motherfuckers who get so filthy rich off of this shit.
but with Tuvok and his friends who begged the budget for this movie off of KickStarter and made a movie out of love and willpower i felt a little bad about not paying for it.
not bad enough to send them a check or anything, but, i mean, they worked for it and it showed.

i want to rate Star Trek: Renegades higher then it earns.
i want to give Tuvok and all of his friends credit for putting all of their love into making a movie on their own, irrespective of how shite it eventually turned out.
i want to, but, i have to try to be objective here.
i have to ask myself “would you want to watch this movie again” and, ho, lord, i do not!
for being a labor of love but for ultimately being a movie that was bad, really bad, uncomfortable to watch bad, Star Trek: Renegades earns a 1.8/10.

//[ab irato ad astra]

September 2017

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