a few weeks ago the PSE decided she was going to treat us [herself] to a present.
the PSE hasn't worked since November and we've just been hemorrhaging money on rent and day-to-day living expenses ever since, but still, the PSE thought it would be a brilliant idea to spend $377.68 on some damned thing she wouldn't tell me what.
“it's a surprise!” she kept saying, twittering with excitement.
the PSE placed an order on the Amazon Dot Com and for the next four or five days she shook with enthusiasm “oh! i can't wait until it arrives!!!” tracking the package all the way.
then one day i came home from Law School to find a box on the ground and the PSE sitting on the floor in the bathroom, fucking with the toilet.
she was installing a special toilet seat, like what we experienced in Japan with a nozzle to bidet your asshole and blow it dry and a special fan to suck out all of your stink.
“well, that's a disappointment!” i said.
i enjoyed the toilets in Japan as much as anybody but for $377.68, i was really hoping for a bullet-proof vest like i've had on my To-Buy list for several years.
i know we would get a lot more practical use out of a Japanese toilet then a bullet proof vest, but all the fancy toilet science in the world won't help you if you've been shot.

i guess my lack of enthusiasm for the PSEs endeavor rained on her parade and for the next day or so, we had to have a great big fight.
the PSE was all upset that i “never let her buy anything” which isn't true at all.
the PSE is always the one who goes to the grocery store, ha ha ha.
the PSE went to go pack up the Japanese toilet contraption and ship it back to the good people at Amazon for spite but i insisted that she not.
not only because i didn't want this to be something the PSE would hold against me later but because i am the kind of person who never likes to go backward.
we are a family with a Japanese toilet now. this is who we are and we can't go back.
finally the PSE calmed down and we spent the next several days with a toilet-robot power-washing the shit off of our arseholes like Emperor Tojo always meant the world to do.
unfortunately, the experience was not what the PSE had hoped for.

the fancy toilets they have in Japan are, for the most part, integrated into the bowl.
this attachment that the PSE bought for Western toilets is an add-on and consequently, it reduces the size of the actual seat significantly to the point where i could not sit comfortably on thing or fit my dick and nuts within the opening.
if i tried to poop and pee and the same time, i'd end up pissing all over the wall in front of me.
and while i enjoyed the warm water power-wash from the built-in bidet, the hot-air dry was kind of weak.
also, i never fully trusted the process and still ended up taking a baby wipe to my shithole at the end.
still, i did not complain.
if this is what the PSE wants for our toilet, this is what we will do.
but even the PSE found the too-small, too-inefficient toilet disappointing an after a while she packed it back up in its box and returned it for a full refund.
now we have to go back to wiping own assholes with paper and baby-wipes like savages.

two weeks ago the PSE announced that she had signed us up for a “chocolate tour” at the local grocery store.
the local grocery store, Central Market, is about as much as the PSE and i experience local culture.
and about as much as we want to experience local culture.
while most people familiarize themselves with local bars and discotheques when they move to a new city, the PSE and i just went straight to the high-end grocery.
living within walking-distance of the high-end Central Market was a prerequisite when the PSE was looking into where we should live in Fort Worth.
and, yeah, that was a good call.
the Central Market is always having different events and offering samples.
their staff is always friendly and helpful and there is always somebody around to walk you to whatever you are looking for if you can't figure out for yourself where it might be.
every time the PSE and i walk out of the Central Market we consider ourselves fortunate.
if i had to do my shopping at a place like Wal-Mart, or even a traditional grocery store with the harsh lighting and disinterested, grudging staff, i would fucking blow my brains out.

anyway, the PSE was on the Central Market's website one day because the PSE doesn't have the slightest idea what to do with herself on the internet and she saw that they were having a Chocolate Tour, in celebration of Valentine's Day.
the PSE didn't have any idea what the fuck a Chocolate Tour was, but she signed us up.
with my Law School scheduled being what it was i really don't have the time to do a goddamned thing, but it seemed to be important to the PSE that we do something together and also, how the fuck am i going to pass up on a chocolate tour, so i made an extra effort to clear my schedule Thursday afternoon.

i got out of school a little late that Thursday for reasons i can't remember and got back to the house around 4:50.
i sat with the Monster for a few minutes to say hello, took her for a quick walk then the PSE and i left her home alone, because we can do that now for short periods. [see yesterday's post]
the PSE and i then walked the ten minutes to the Central Market where we presented ourselves to the nice people in the information booth.
“are you here for the tour,” they inquired.
“sure are!”
they then handed us a map of the store which listed fourteen different stations where fourteen different vendors had set up shop offering fourteen different samples, and they sent us on our way.
i don't know why this is something we ha to sign up for, any asshole who happened to go to the Central Market at 5:30 could have had the same experience, but okay...

there was a long queue at Station #1.
there were maybe seven or eight people waiting for the guy with the organic chocolate truffles to get set up.
rather then waiting, the PSE and i decided to skip around the store hitting all the stations out of order.
apparently we were some of the only ones to consider this strategy and the backlog at the Organic Chocolate Truffles station just kept getting longer.
the PSE and i went first to the bulk foods section where we found #5 Hoja Verde Chocolate, which is chocolate made by Peruvian farmers, then #6 chocolate covered pretzels, #7 Vanini Italian Chocolates and in the frozen section, # 8 Joe and Steph's Chocolate and Caramel Sauce with vanilla ice cream.
that was good.
we continued on our tour with #9 chocolate coated marshmallows.
#10 wasn't up and running yet, and we had to double back for that later. it was RoRo's Chocolate Swirl Rolls.
also in the bakery section we found #11 chocolate pecan chess pie and chocolate cookies.
in the deli section we tried #12 Delice de Bourgogne Cheese with Salami de Cacao, which is chocolate salami, and at #13, a sampler of a pre-made Valentine's Day meal for two, creamed cauliflower and risoto with a hint of chocolate.
finally, at the end of the store by the check-out registers was #14 dark chocolate passion fruit gelato.
when we hit the end of the line, we went back to the beginning where the line for #1 Organic Chocolate Truffles had finally cleared.
station #2 in the produce area was a selection of chocolate-dipped fruits.
that was the only station we had to stand in queue for.
after that was the deli which at station #3 was offering smoked paprika cocoa seasoned chicken bites.
station #4 was some kind of chocolate booze the PSE and i did not try.
when we got thirsty, we headed back to the produce section where they always have a cooler full of organic cold-pressed juices you can guzzle by the thimble-full.

our whole chocolate tour took a little less then an hour.
it was a lovely little date.
the PSE and i were the youngest participants by a couple of decades, but that's okay.
we are old at heart.
for supper, we stopped back at the deli and had them make us a Vietnamese pork sandwich with pickled vegetables and mint to split.
this is why Central Market throws these little shindigs, to get people in the door but, on Thursday they earned our business for sure.

//[ab irato ad astra]

September 2017

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