X-Men: Apocalypse:
the internet told me X-Men: Apocalypse was gonna be a real stinker.
i figured they were right because these X-Men movies don't really try as hard as they ought to.
the movie turned out to be better then the internet made it out to be, though, not by much.

X-Men: Apocalypse is a movie about the X-Men having to fight Apocalypse.
it's all right there in the name.
for those of you who don't know, Apocalypse is a Mutant megalomaniac from ancient Egypt with the power to do a whole bunch of nebulously-defined bad guy shit.
i've read the comic books, watched the animated TV show and now seen the movie but i still can't tell you what Apocalypse can do.
in the cartoons he grows in size all the time and he can turn his arms into pistons.
in the movie he seems to control sand or turn people into sand, but he can also enhance the powers of other Mutants and can make them different outfits to wear.
he can also steal satellite TV signals, and learn English really fast
there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to the powers he has, just whatever the plot calls for.
anyways, Apocalypse gets betrayed by some guys back in Ancient Egypt who leave him buried under a bunch of rubble until the mid-1980s when some assholes dig him up again.
Apocalypse promptly sets himself to trying to take over the world again, like he likes to do.
in the comic books and the TV show and now the movie Apocalypse is always trying to 'cleans the Earth' so that 'the strong can survive' but beyond those Third Reich buzzwords, his plan is never all that well developed.
Step One is always to gather four henchmen which he does, Storm, Angel, Psylocke and Magneto.
this Angel is apparently not the same Angel who was in X-Men: The Last Stand which takes place over twenty years later, i guess it's just some other guy with wings who calls himself Angel.
more likely, though, who gives a shit?

while Apocalypse is up to no good, Charles Xavier is back to his usual schtick of gathering sick young children to come live in his mansion so he can show them their special abilities.
like Michael Jackson was trying to do.
Professor Xavier gathers a young Cyclopes, Nightcrawler and Jean Grey who is played by Sansa Stark from Game Of Thrones in a performance that is notably terrible.
Jean Gray is supposed to be one of the baddest Mutants in the X-Men universe, not just some misshapen chav with a poorly-concealed accent.
Apocalypse and his goons kidnap Professor Xavier and use him to destroy all the world's nuclear arsenal for reasons that don't make any sense and then broadcast a telepathic message to the world that Apocalypse is up to some shit.
the American government comes to the X-Mansion and kidnaps Beast and Quicksilver and Mystique who by this movie just walks around as Jennifer Lawrence because real-life Jennifer Lawrence is too much of a big shot now to paint herself blue.
they get rescues by Nightrcawler and Cyclopes and Jean Gray and they all fly over to Egypt to rescue Professor Xavier and fight Apocalypse and his henchmen.
Angel dies, Storm and Magneto defect to join the X-Men and Psylocke disappears into the background never having said more then ten words of dialog throughout the whole movie.
Psylocke didn't need to be in the movie at all except that at some point somebody noticed that the character kinda looks like Olivia Munn, so, let's get her and put her in the movie, then.
eventually, all the X-Men and friends shoot different colored beams of whatever at Apocalypse and that makes him explode, eventually, the end.

i take X-Men lore pretty seriously. the X-Men are one of my top ten areas of expertise.
the X-Men movies, however, have been a perpetual disappointment.
the franchise seems to have a willful refusal to take character, plot and timeline continuity seriously.
in one movie Angel is in his early-twenties in the mid-2000s, in another movie he is in his early-twenties in the mid-1980s.
in some movies Mystique is a anti-human zealot henchmen of Magneto, in others she's a Mutant rights activist, in this movie she has forgotten all about her 'mutant and proud' positive body image and walks around looking like a normal human being.
almost none of the characters look like twenty years have past since they all met in the first movie set in the mid-1960s.
except Wolverine who just keeps getting older and older in real life, even though he is the only character who is supposed to be pretty much ageless.
the only way to watch the clusterfuck of X-Men movies is to be willing to say 'fuck it' and take each movie in the installment as a self-contained unit that is only remotely, vaguely related to the other movies in the franchise.
what's the point of being a franchise, then?

for being a part of a franchise that doesn't give a shit, but, for being a freestanding movie that, when viewed on its own merits is okay, not great, for having a villain who can do undefined things for undefined reasons and for focusing too much on fighting with colored beams of light, but for not being unwatchable by any means, X-Men: Apocalypse earns a 4.8/10.

//[ab irato ad astra]

September 2017

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