xtitsx: (Default)
( 10 Mar 2017 05:17 pm)
it is important, from time to time, to review your loved ones' behavior, to let them know what they are doing right and how they can improve.
if your loved ones aren't telling you how you can do better, they don't really love you.
unless you're the TITS. then you're just fucking perfect.

the PSE:
the PSE is doing alright. not great, but better then she was.
relations with the PSE have historically been less then great over the course of our thirteen-year relationship.
the PSE just couldn't seem to conform herself to my expectations most of the time.
she would get ornery with me and yell at me for no reason.
for the better part of a year back when we lived in Albuquerque the PSE was so unhappy to be dating me that i took her to a therapist to try to get her on antidepressants.
“how could anybody be unhappy dating me unless there was something neurochemically wrong with them!?!” i argued.
our therapist seemed to agree, but the PSE refused to be medicated.
i have tried to leave the PSE no less then two hundred times over the course of our long, troubled relationship but that has never worked because i can't ever get the PSE to leave my house.
sometimes it seems that things between us might have improvd slightly, but that might just be because with me so busy with Law School all the goddamned time, we don't have the time to resent each other like we used to.
other times, we hate each other with the same old intense contempt we've always held each other in.

what the PSE is doing right:
since the PSE quit her job at a Ramen Restaurant in November, and then a month after that where she just fucked around doing nothing, so, since about January, the PSE has been a pretty good housewife.
the PSE will clean the house several times a week, vacuuming and doing the dishes and keeping the bathroom tidy.
not as often as she should, but, way more then she used to.
also, the PSE has been cooking a lot more lately, preparing us meals.
most of the time the meals will be healthy [or at least healthy-ish] and are often meat-free, which i've been pushing for.
when i go off to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the PSE has been packing me a lunch.
well, sometimes i have to ask, she doesn't think to do it, but she'll do it upon request.
inside my lunch sack, the PSE will leave me little notes with her art on it.**
that's really charming. that might be my favorite thing that the PSE's got going on lately.
and twice in the past two weeks i got the PSE to give me a bath.
she'll kneel outside the tub and wash me with a washcloth and shampoo and condition my hair and clean my face with one of her special face potions.
then she'll dry me off and grease me up with body lotion and blow-dry my hair in a way that maximizes it's volume.
i don't expect this level of full-service to happen very often, but it's nice that it happens at all.

and then, there's what i've always said about the PSE, that she's enjoyable to be around when she's not terrible.
the PSE is good company, she makes me laugh and i can talk to her easily.
the PSE and i have the same worldview and largely want the same things out of life.
when i think about getting another girlfriend, the amount of work i would have to put in to get them customized to my tastes like the PSE is seems exhausting.

what the PSE is doing wrong:
of course, all the domestic stuff the PSE does, the cooking and the cleaning, only happens because the PSE is unemployed.
it's nice when the PSE acts house-wify but, motherfucker, we haven't had money coming in for months.
also, when the PSE works, she can't be counted on to keep a home or even really conform herself to basic manners.
she gets very nasty whenever she is the elast bit tired or frustrated.
it would be nice if the PSE could keep a home, keep a cheerful disposition and work a part-time job to support us all at the same time but apparently for the PSE that's asking too much.

the PSE and i don't really have sex.
if we've fucked more then three times in 2017 i would be surprised.
i don't really have the time for sexual congress with all the time Law School takes up, but, it would be nice if the PSE was suffering for the drought.
the PSE doesn't seem to miss sex at all, and that's kind of insulting.

the PSE still gets in her foul moods several times a month and will become an absolute terror to be around.
it is not an exaggeration to say she is abusive to the point of cruelty.
not physically, but she is an emotional tyrant, berating me with abandon and almost never taking responsibility for her actions.
i deserve better then to be in an abusive relationship, and our relationship is certainly abusive, but i don't know how to get out of it.
if i could check myself in to a battered women's shelter i would, but it is not that easy.

the biggest problem that the PSE and i have, regular TITS readers will know, is that she does not want to have children with me.
since i would rather have children with somebody else then die childless with the PSE, this is a long-term structural problem for us.
one that i have been trying to puzzle my way out of for some time now, with no success.

i have said for years that i do not have a future with the PSE.
that, given the abuse and her unwillingness to have children with me, that we will have to part ways.
i have resigned myself to the fact that at some point i will have to trade the PSE in for a mate who is ready, willing and able to bare me live young, somebody who likes me and treats me with respect, i just don't know when or how i might do that.
finding a new girlfriend seems like such a daunting proposition.
a few months ago i decided to reactivate an old OKCupid profile in the hopes of finding a replacement for the PSE but that never went anywhere because, christ, dating seems exhausting.
just right now, i decided to go ahead and deactivate my OKCupid profile for a second time.
i still maintain the right to look for a different mate who will treat me with the kindness i deserve and who will bear me children one day, but i don't have the energy to worry about it today.
the PSE is what i am stuck with, for better or for worse, for the foreseeable future.

**
Lunch Art
#1) the PSE made me an egg-salad sandwich one day
#2) the PSE made me her regular peanut butter and jelly and banana.
the peanut is holding a sign that reads “i'm grown in the ground” which is a fact i did not know. i've never really considered where peanuts come from
#3) the PSE packed me a banana. the banana is saying “peel me at my bottom to avoid my stringy bits,” which is a trick that doesn't actually work. the PSE was misinformed on that one, but it is still good art.
#4) a portrait of the artist as a rat.
#5) was in my lunch sack on the day the PSE was supposed to check in to the Dallas Drug Study that she never got selected for [see a post sometime last week.]
the pretzel is holding a sign that reads “it's just us now” on account of i would be fixing myself a lot of toaster-oven pretzels in the PSE's absence.
she meant it as a threat, as the pretzel's eyes are supposed to be menacing, but i didn't take it that way.
i was a little bothered by the fact that the supposedly menacing anthropomorphic pretzel's hands and feet are smaller pretzels, i thought that was a little much, but, that's the PSE's artistic choice, i guess.

//[ab irato ad astra]
.

July 2017

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