The Magnificent Seven - 2016:
The Magnificent Seven is a remake of the movie of the same name from the 1960s.
at first i thought i hadn't seen the original but then i thought maybe i did?
the original is about seven dudes who go down to Mexico to protect a town from trouble.
Charles Bronson is in it.
but, do i know that because i've read the Wikipedia, or because The Magnificent Seven is a classic movie and the plot is in the aether or do i know that because i actually watched the movie?
i think i might have watched the original sometime back when the PSE and i were living in Austin II, but i don't recall actually doing it.
which is weird for me because i normally have an above-average memory.
either way, after watching the remake, i still don't have a clue if i had ever seen the original.
i guess that says something about the original.

The Magnificent Seven - 2016 is a movie about a town that is being bullied by some kind of a bad guy who acts with cartoonishly villainous motivations.
i'm not really all that clear on what he wants except to terrorize the town out of craven cruelty.
i think he wanted to buy their land out from under them so that he could further his mining operations, but why he didn't just offer them fair market value or above doesn't make much sense to me.
the guy is portrayed to be rich as sin and he can afford to hire a private army when he needs to.
you would think that villain wouldn't make sense as a financial consideration, that just being fair would work out to be cheaper in the long run, but this guy seems to have an enthusiasm for cruelty, which makes the movie pretty black-and-white.
anyways, after her husband gets killed by one of the Big Bad's henchmen, some lady takes a sack full of money and goes off to some other town to try to hire henchmen of her own.
she meets Denzel Washington who is a bounty hunter and offers him the sack full of cash for his services.
Denzel Washington agrees and sets about hiring six other men to help out; a Chinaman who throws knives, an Injun with a bow-and-arrow, a big bear of a man, whatshisname from Guardians Of The Galaxy and some others.
all of these other men are highly-competent in the killing arts and, conveniently enough, they all live in close proximity to one another to allow Denzel Washington to round them up.
it is never stated how much money was in the sack. i really would have like to know what the going rate to hire seven highly-competent goons might be.

so, the magnificent seven all return to the town at a time when the Big Bad is away for a week.
they chase away the few henchmen that are there, then spend the next week teaching the townsfolk how to fight.
the Big Bad returns with an army and they have a big fight for a while.
the Big Bad has a Gatling gun but somehow Guardians Of The Galaxy is able to blow it up with some dynamite in a suicide attack.
eventually the Magnificent Seven and the townsfolk are able to defeat the Big Bad and his army and the three who remain alive are able to ride off into the sunset, presumably to enjoy their share of the sack full of cash.
the four who died in the endeavor will get paid in heaven, i guess. the end.

The Magnificent Seven - 2016 is noteworthy, in part, for it's casting of Denzel Washington and whatshisname from Guardians Of The Galaxy in the two main roles.
some motherfuckers don't act. they just keep on playing themselves in every movie they are ever in.
i don't mind, i like both Denzel Washington and the kid from Guardians Of The Galaxy but, goddamn, motherfuckers, get some range.

i don't know if i've ever seen the original Magnificent Seven before, but it doesn't matter.
i know this story.
it is the story of every Western movie ever made.
i would know the story of The Magnificent Seven even if i've never seen any Western.
it's the story of every episode of The A-Team episode ever, and countless other movies and TV shows, or, if you dial down the laser beams and karate, it is the story of like, thirty percent of the comic book movies that Hollywood keeps churning out.
a team of superheros all with different superpowers assemble to fight crime.
this isn't anything new here.
but, the Western genre is timeless for a reason and the story holds up.
also, getting to watch an updated 2016 version is so much more enjoyable because old movies are almost all terrible.
for being a classic story told well and for saving me the trouble of having to watch a classic old movie that i am supposed to have seen by remaking it for the modern palate, the 2016 remake of The Magnificent Seven earns a 6.9/10.

Imperium is a movie about Harry Potter and the White Identity Movement.
after graduating from Hogwarts Harry Potter gets a job with the Ministry of Magic as an Auror, which is a kind of magic cop.
the Ministry sends him to go undercover with a bunch of Nazis in the northern Virginia suburbs outside of Washington DC.
it seems that the Aurors have figured out that a bunch of chemical weapons have been stolen from somewhere and some Nazi with an internet radio show was bragging about The Shit About To Hit The Fan.
so, Harry Potter gets introduced to a gang of skinheads through some informant and he has to work his way up the ranks of White hatred to try to get to the Talk Radio Nazi to figure out what the plan is.
which seems like an incredibly round-about way to fight crime when you have a bunch of domestic terrorists sitting on chemical weapons.
how long do you think it takes a guy to go from a total unknown to being let in on the most sinister plans of the movement?
that's gonna be more then a few-week journey.
meanwhile, the Nazis could set off their chemical weapon at any moment while Harry Potter is wasting his time getting drunk, listening to Skrewdriver records and bitching about mudbloods.
you would think it would make more sense for the Aurors to just arrest the Talk Radio Nazi and grill him, but then there wouldn't be much of a reason for a movie.

so, Harry Potter hangs out with a bunch of skinheads for a while then he works his way up the ladder of White hatred meeting different Klansmen and Neo Nazis and Christian Identity Patriots and Sovereign Citizens and all the other different kinds of people who are super stoked to be White.
they talk about Niggers and Jews and the ZOG Machine and they have a good time.
periodically different groups will be suspicious of Harry Potter just kinda turning up and asking people “who's up for some violent terrorism!?!” but he will diffuse the situation in various ways by being smart.
after a while we find out that the Talk Radio Nazi doesn't really know anything, he's just capitalizing on these White idiots by getting them all riled up.
another group of White Aryan Whatevers also seem like they're getting ready for a big Happening, but it's all for nothing.
just when it seems like Harry Potter isn't getting anywhere with his magical mission some clean-cut unsuspecting family man Nazi decides to pull him into his circle of trust and confide that he's the one with the chemical bomb.
apparently it's just been sitting in his garage and the guy's been waiting for i-don't-know-what to do something with it.
Harry Potter alerts the Aurors who come and arrest the big bad and his co-conspirators, the end.

Harry Potter and the White Identity Movement Imperium is an okay movie.
it's always interesting to see Nazis and the kind of shit they get up to.
though, there was nothing new in the movie for me to learn about.
i get more then enough 14/88 nonsense from the 4Chan /pol/ who loves to talk about how THE JOOS are ruining America by promoting miscegenation, or whatever.
probably because they think they are being funny.
so, there wasn't anything new for me in Imperium which meant it didn't scratch my infotainment itch, but it was still a digestible story.
i thought the movie was going to have a little more nuance.
i would have preferred to see Harry Potter get seduced a bit by the Nazi message.
to see him start to question whether or not maybe Zionists are occupying the government and if maybe all of his different kinds of Nazi friends might be right.
i'm not saying the movie should have ended there, but it would have been a good place to make the counter-argument about everything that is wrong with the White supremacist ideology.
instead, the movie was mostly just a police procedural set against the backdrop of Nazis, which was a bit of wasted potential, i thought.
for being a good-enough movie that could have been better if it dared to flirt with its subject a bit more, Imperium earns a 6.3/10.

//[ab irato ad astra]

September 2017

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