the PSE went to the Dallas Drug Study for a sixteen-day, fifteen nights in-house Study.
leaving me home alone to tend to my own needs and the needs of the Monster.
which is no easy feat, as both the Monster and i are really, really needy.
i wrote about the troubles of my first week home alone in an entry sometime last week.
this is about my second week home alone.

What I've Been Eating:
i don't cook for myself because A) i don't have the time and B) i'm an asshole so i had to spend the entire time the PSE was away eating either fast food, carry-out, deli-counter sandwiches or subsisting on snacks.
one day i took the Monster through the In-N-Out drive-through.
i don't really even like In-N-Out all that much, but the Five Guys doesn't have a drive-through and what am i gonna do, get out of my car?
i ordered myself a hamburger and fries, animal-style, but i forgo to say 'no cheese' on the animal-style fries, so they were effectively ruined by the time i got back to the apartment and noticed.
normally, on the few occasions we eat In-N-Out, it is the PSE who does the ordering.
i can't even do drive-through right.

another day, i decided to get myself some carry-out from the Ramen Restaurant where the PSE used to work.
i used to love the vegetarian ramen at the Ramen Restaurant. every day for four months that the PSE worked she would bring one home for me ad i never got tired of slurping it down.
then the PSE quit and that was the end of the stuff and it was sad.
it never occurred to me that i could go get the stuff on my own -when left to my own devices, i tend to think in the realm of the possible and for me, the possible is very, very limited- but one day the PSE called to suggest it, so, okay, we'll do that, then!
i had to have the PSE send me a text message detailing how i should place my order because, again, i am profoundly incompetent.
so, one day after Law School i picked the Monster up from daycare and drove over to the Ramen Restaurant to collect my carry-out order.
i left the Monster alone in the car while i ran in to pick up my order.
it was the first time i'd ever left her alone in the car. she took it relativity well.
the ramen was good, but at a $10 pricetag, it wasn't nearly as good as when the PSE was bringing it home free.

twice i had to go to the Central Market grocery store a few blocks away.
both times i had to bring the Monster because the Monster cannot be left home alone, on account of her mental problems.
the first time i went i put the Monster in a shopping cart, like i normally do and went about my business.
i went to the deli section and had the kids behind the counter make me a sandwich.
as i was checking out, some employee who was buzzing around the express lane came over and told me that Monster couldn't be in the shopping cart.
“what?” i asked her, incredulous, letting her know that i was in no mood to be harassed.
but, rather then moving on to find some other person to nag, the busybody persisted.
“you could get a $300 fine for that” she went on.
i was in the middle of paying for my sandwich, fishing in my wallet for exact change, less then a minute from walking out the door, but this lady was the kind of cunt who just had to have something to say.
the kind of person who would make a great cop.
i told her to leave me alone and she threatened to go tattle on me to the manager.
if the manager ever came around to investigate the Case of the Dog in the Shopping Cart, i do not know.

the second time i had to go to the Central Market i put Monster in a cloth grocery bag and carried her around on my shoulder.
the Central Market up the street has been my home grocery since the PSE and i came to town but over the past month or so i've been catching more and more shit every time i bring the Monster to do my shopping with me.
far be it for me to shirk from a fight, but i just wanted to get into the store, buy my groceries and leave without having to get into it with some bossy busybody cunt.
so, Monster in a sack on my shoulder, i went into the Central Market, gathered a few provisions and proceed to the express check-out.
i was heartened to be told by the lady working the register that the cunt who yelled at me the other day was totally in the wrong.
“we told her off about that,” the woman working the register told me.
what a nice thing to hear! thanks for sticking up for me, lady!
i spent the next several days eating toaster-oven pretzels and chips and salsa and bagels and cream cheese until the PSE finally came home and my long exile out in the food desert drew to an end.

Taking Care Of This Asshole:
on the night before i had to take my big Citation Exam in Legal Writing II, the Monster came down with a case of diarrhea.
i don't have any idea why or what she ate, but it gave her the squirts all throughout the night.
and with the PSE not here to help out, and the Monster unable to manage her bowel movements unattended, this became my problem to have to deal with.

i took the Monster for a walk around midnight and got into bed.
around 2:45am the Monster woke me up by sitting at the side of the bed, looking up at me and snuffing.
she did this over and over and over again until i finally acknowledged her.
“go to bed!” i told her.
the Monster went into her bed but ten minutes later she was at it again.
“Go To Bed!!!” i yelled at her again.
ten minutes later, the Monster was still pestering me.
“GO TO BED!!!!!” i shouted, full of selfish nastiness, before finally i put on some pajamas and took the Monster for a walk around the apartment.
when we hit her shitting grass the Monster spent an inordinate amount of time, maybe forty, fifty, seventy seconds circling and circling and circling, trying to work a shit out.
finally she squirted out some liquidy/fluffy yellow poop and we went back to the apartment.
“g'night!” i told the Monster,definitively, but that was not the end of it.

i laid in bed pissed off at the Monster's inconvenience.
doesn't she know i have a big day coming!?!
i just started to drift back to sleep around 3:45am when the Monster was at it again, snuffing at the edge of my bed.
“GO THE FUCK TO BED!!!!” i shouted, but, when she persisted with the snuffling, i took her on another walk and she spent another full minute trying to work out some more diarrhea.
we got back to the house around 4:00am, but the Monster woke me a third time at 7:00am, thirteen minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off to start the day anyway.
if i got any more then three and a half hours that night, i would be lucky.
Thursday night, the Monster was at it again, waking me up no less then four times throughout the night to go out for splattery shits.
when the fuck is the PSE gonna come home to help me with these fucking problems!?!
this isn't fair, having to deal with this crisis all by myself.

//[ab irato ad astra]

September 2017

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