with the PSE away at the Drug Study for over two weeks this past month and with Law School winding down for the semester, i had more time on my hands than usual.
i decided to spend it being a friend, which is a burden i largely ignore.

one day i decided to take the Monster on a big walk around the neighborhood and to keep me company i called up my dear old friend Melissa.
Melissa answered and quickly gave me several minutes of passive-aggressive Jewish mother-type guilt.
“well, well, look who's finally found time for little old me...
i called you and texted you so many times and yo never called back...
i guess you're busy what with Law School, you don't have time for me anymore...”
finally i had to tell her to cut the shit.
like i always do when i call somebody unexpectedly, i asked Melissa what she was doing before i just launched into conversation.
Melissa said that she was hanging out with her boyfriend so i told her to give me a call when she has the time but Melissa insisted, “no, it's fine...” and just went right on chatting with me for an hour and forty-five minutes while her boyfriend sat around stupidly waiting for her to finish.
in his own home.
where Melissa went over to do her laundry.
the only time Melissa acknowledged her boyfriend the entire time we were chit-chatting on the phone was when she snapped at him for playing with her child wrong.
i don't know what the fuck this guy did to little Sophia, but if Melissa or anybody ever talked to me the way Melissa talked to this schlub i would get up and leave.
there is something amiss with this poor bastard, though, which was the central theme of our subsequent conversation.

for the past several months Melissa has been dating a fireman.
he met her when she was working at a gas station and decided to pursue her, even after finding out she had a child and is an idiot.
and by “pursue” i mean he gives her a whole lot of money and gets nothing in return.
Melissa was subsequently fired from her job at the gas station.
she found the grueling task of showing up on time too much to ask.
Melissa now “works” for her boyfriend as a housekeeper, though that is just for show so that Melissa can continue to receive government assistance which requires her to be employed thirty hours a week.
the guy pays Melissa money, lots of money, but she doesn't actually clean anything.
also, he pays her rent. and he bought her a $10,000 car.

so what's the big deal?
plenty of rich creeps, sleazeoids and Arab Sheikhs buy themselves women. this is nothing new.
well, firstly, for the kind of money this idiot is spending, you can buy yourself somebody a little higher up the prostitute food-chain then Melissa.
in addition to being with child and a certified idiot, Melissa also reported that she's damn-near 200 pounds. she weighs more now then she did when she was pregnant.
and with Melissa's unfortunate body shape, most of that weight is in her ass and thighs.
and this Fireman isn't Black, so i don't know what he sees there.
also, more importantly, this guy isn't even buying sex from Melissa.
if they've made out twice that would be a lot.
the guy has had girlfriends in the past but for reasons i'm not sure of, he doesn't seem interested in fooling around with Melissa.
which leaves Melissa unsatisfied as she likes to fuck, but, she has no sexual interest in this fellow either so she just gets her dick from other dudes on the side while cashing this sucker's checks.
though she couldn't get into all that over the phone because the sucker was in the room, waiting patiently for Melissa to finish her conversation.

Melissa has designs to marry this fellow.
and, shit, why shouldn't she? she's like a prospector who's struck a gold mine.
get that shit legitimized.
Melissa keeps telling this guy she wants to get married, she expects to get married.
she's even got her eyes on a $20,000 diamond ring that she has decided she is entitled to.
Melissa has a surprising amount of entitlement considering her position.
unfortunately, at this juncture this poor schlub doesn't seem to be all that eager to marry Melissa.
elissa told him she wanted to get engaged by Valentine's Day, then she pushed it back to April Fool's Day, but i guess that would be a little too on the nose.
the guy keeps telling Melissa that he wants to “take it slow” but Melissa is persistent.
i hope he cracks and marries her.
and i hope he takes care of her and her poor bastard child for the rest of their natural lives.
whatever the hell he might get out of it.
and i hope he's not a secret child molester only in this peculiar relationship for the opportunity to fiddle Melissa's toddler daughter.
that would be a shame.

i got a text Message from my dear old friend Anthony a week or two ago while i was at the Law School.
he had questions about he should go about filling out a background check for some job he was trying to get.
i called him back when i got out of class and we spent an hour and a half talking legal strategy.
none of my advice he took.

Anthony was trying to get a job as a waiter at some French restaurant down the Shore.
Anthony has been a waiter all of his working life but for the first time, a prospective employer was requiring that he obtain a license to sell liquor.
an ABC card, Alcoholic Beverage Commission or something like that.
this required Anthony to submit himself to a background check, but Anthony has a really scummy background.
by Anthony's count he's got no less then six legal charges against him; marijuana possession, marijuana possession, DUI, DUI, hit-and-run and a domestic violence.
now, i don't know what the particular requirements of the City of Long Branch's Alcoholic Beverage Commission are, but, if i were in charge of the ABC, i wouldn't grant a guy like Anthony a license to do anything.

you would think it would be a lost cause for Anthony to get an ABC card in this particular city, he ought to just go seek employment in some other county, but Anthony's rap sheet is peculiar.
as a Law Student, i have access to Lexus Nexus' People Search program which lets me do a background check on whoever i like.
i spent a full two days last month running the backgrounds of everybody i've ever met and pulled up all their legal troubles.
but, for reasons i do not understand, when i put Anthony's legal name into the computer nothing came up under the 'criminal records' section.
his file came up, i got a list of all the places he's ever lived, and several civil liens and judgments that he has, but under 'criminal' he was a virgin for all intents and purposes.
so, then, when filling out the Alcohol Beverage Commission's application, he should list NONE under criminal history shouldn't he?
i told him he should, of course he should.
ya pays yer money, ya takes yer chances.
but, Anthony ultimately didn't listen to me and our conversation was for nothing.

the problem with Anthony [one of the many, many, many problems with Anthony] is a remarkable sense of self delusion.
in his mind, Anthony doesn't see two marijuana possessions, two DUIs, a hit-and-run and a domestic violence as being all that bad.
“i just pushed my sister because she was attacking me,” he explained to me for the eighth or ninth time.
and that's fine, Anthony, but you have to understand that while you might not think of yourself as a scumbag in your own head, the rest of us see you for what you are and it's not great.
you're better off just lying on the form and hoping you get lucky rather then thinking you can explain away your transgressions to a bureaucracy that does not care.
what's the worst that can happen, they catch you lying and they don't give you a card?
they're not gonna give you a card anyway if you disclose your actual criminal history.
it's a question about world view, really.
i figure it's better to lie and play the odds then give yourself up.
if the ABC is gonna disqualify you from a job, you ought to make them work for it, at lease.
needless to say, Anthony did not get his liquor card.

//[ab irato ad astra]

September 2017

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