Harry Potter and the Cursed Child:
about this time last year an announcement was made that they were making another Harry Potter book.
like the million other awkward, overweight White girls in their mid-thirties i was super stoked on it.
the fine-print of that announcement was that it wasn't going to be a proper Harry Potter book written by JK Rowling, it was just the novelization of a Harry Potter play that they're putting on in London.
JK Rowling didn't even write the play, some other assholes did, but she approved of it because i guess they paid her enough, so it is officially cannon.
in the year since the announcement that an eighth Harry Potter book was coming i haven't heard much about it, which is always a bad sign.
when things are good, they buzz enough to make it onto my radar.
also, when things are really, really bad, like that all-lady GhostBusters movie.
but, apparently this latest Harry Potter offering was right in the center of plum mediocrity so it didn't get my attention at all.
i had almost forgot that it was a thing until the PSE went to the public library one day and brought it home for me.
i got all excited to read about Harry Potter's adventure but when i sat down on the toilet to have a shit and get into it i was disappointed to find that it was literally just the script from a play, with stage directions and everything.
how the fuck am i supposed to read this? i'm not a theater fag.
doesn't JK Rowling have enough money to pay somebody to edit out all this shit and put the prose in proper book format? what a crock of shit!?!

Harry Potter And The Cursed Child is the story of Harry Potter's second son, Albus.
Albus is a misfit who doesn't get along at Hogwarts.
he is not particularly smart or talented, he is an unpopular loser with only one friend, Draco Malfoy's son.
he doesn't like Hogwarts, it's not a magical place for him, it's just another shitty school for a kid to suffer through his awkward teenage years.
Harry Potter doesn't know what to do for the little creep because what the hell can you ever do for an unpopular teenage weirdo so their relationship is strained.
anyways, one day, Albus Potter and Draco Malfoy's son decide to go back in time for some reason because, fuck, why not?
time travel is a thing in the Harry Potter world but for some reason, they only ever use it in the third book so that Hermione can take more classes then would normally fit into her schedule.
they conveniently ignore time travel when it comes time to, say, defeat Voldemort or defeat Voldemort the first time he attacked and killed Harry Potter's parents, or stop Gellert Grindelwald from genociding a bunch of Russian witches, or to stop Hitler.
time travel only exists so Hermione can overachieve.
i'm starting to think JK Rowling might not be the brilliant writer everybody gives her credit for.

so, Albus and his buddy Malfoy Junior break into the Ministry For Magic because that's super fucking easy to do and they find a time-turner on Minister Adult-Hermione's desk because of course she's in charge now because there are only a dozen characters in the Harry Potter universe.
Harry Potter is the head of Magical Law Enforcement.
Ron still just runs a joke shop because Ron doesn't get a lick of respect.
the kids take the time-turner and they decide to go back in time to when Harry Potter was in the Tri-Wizard Tournament because of fan-service.
they've decided they wanted to save the life of Cedric Diggory, who was the handsome, popular kid that Voldemort killed when he was fucking with Harry Potter in the Fourth Book.
but, when you fuck with time things go bad, and it turns out with Cedric Diggory alive, Voldemort wins the Battle of Hogwarts.
the kids return to their present to find a world where Voldemort has taken over.
but, he hasn't brought witches and wizards out of the closet to reign over Muggels like i thought was his deal.
magical people still live mostly in secret, fucking with Muggels occasionally but mostly just turning on their own kind, persecuting mud-bloods.
what the fuck, Voldemort!?! i thought you were about something!?!

it would be interesting to spend time in the dark Voldemort future, but that timeline quickly gets changed back to normal.
the last part of the book reveals that Voldemort secretly had a daughter, and she kidnaps Albus Potter and Young Malfoy and takes them back to the day Voldemort tried to first kill baby Harry Potter, back in 1981.
Adult Harry Potter and Adult Hermione and Adult Ron Weasley and Adult Ginny Weasley Potter all go back in time to stop her and save the kids.
they are the head of magical government and head of the magical FBI, you would think they would dispatch several dozen Aurors to go do the task, but they decide to do it themselves because i don't think JK Rowling gives a shit anymore.
in the end they defeat Voldemort's daughter and rescue little Albus Potter and his friend who get several months worth of detention for almost destroying the fucking world.
the book ends with Albus and Young Malfoy decided that they don't want to be misfits anymore, that they want to get into quidditch and being popular, which they do easily enough, the end.

there were lots of things about Harry Potter And The Cursed Child that i did not like, the format and the glaring plot holes not the least of it, but what bothered me most about the book was that it ended with the main characters all of a sudden deciding that they want to be popular.
that's not how this shit works. misfit weirdos are misfit weirdos.
misfit weirdos are doomed to spend the rest of their lives being misfits and weirdos.
you don't just wake up one day and decide you want to get along. that's called being a sell-out.
which is why i am thirty-five and it says 'TITS' on all my cloths.
the story is supposed to end with the misfit weirdos learning to embrace who they are, in learning how to be cynical and mean and to look down on normal people with their quidditch and their meaningful friendships.
one of the problems i have with the Harry Potter franchise is that it celebrates people who are different, as long as they are all different the same.
in seven actual books, eight movies and this half-ass play book, you never really meet anybody at Hogwarts who stands out.
there is no alienation, no ostricization, no kids who eat alone in the lunchroom because they don't know how to talk to people or they smell weird.
even the losers in Hufflepuff all seem to be attractive and popular.
Harry Potter isn't a franchise for outsiders, it's a franchise for normal people who like to pretend they are nerds because that is what is fashionable.
Harry Potter And The Cursed Child really drives that home.

for being an insult to misfit weirdos, for being a book that wasn't a book at all but a play, for having a plot that existed just for fan-service, for having glaring plotholes and never making even a rudimentary effort to address them but for still being a Harry Potter book at it's nut, which is worth quite a bit, Harry Potter And The Cursed Child earns a 6.0/10.

//[ab irato ad astra]

September 2017

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