i woke up at 7:01 last Friday morning, after less then five hours sleep.
i sat in bed feeling bad, then went and brushed my teeth and dressed in a pair of cotton elastic-waist pajama shorts and a tank top.
the PSE and Monster and i loaded into the TITSwagon and the PSE drove me a half hour east to a town called Arlington, which is between Fort Worth and Dallas.
Google Maps navagated us to the Medical City of Arlington, which was the hospital where i would be having dick surgery.

i said goodbye to the PSE and goodbye to the Monster who would be going back to the apartment to wait to be called about picking me up again.
when i was released i would be on heavy anesthesia and wouldn't be allowed to drive myself home.
it would have been nice if the PSE could have stayed for the surgery to watch and take pictures, but hospitals are cunts about having dogs wandering around and the Monster can't very well be left home alone because of her emotional problems.
i went and checked in at the hospital's front desk right on time 8:00am, and they called for a woman named Keisha to come and get me.

Keisha escorted me to a little room in the back and gave me a hospital gown and pair of no-slip socks to change in to.
she also put some green contraption around my lower legs that she said would be hooked up to a machine that would massage my legs during surgery to prevent blood clots, i think.
then Keisha took my vital statistics, my blood pressure, temperature and my pulse oxygenation, and stuck an IV catheter in my forearm.
then we made chit-chat for a while.
Keisha has daughter who was in nursing school and a son in the 8th Grade.
the 8th Grader is very smart, a genius all of his teachers tell her, but very disruptive in class.
the boy wants to be a lawyer some day and work on criminal justice reform.
i told Keisha that it's possible to go to law school for free and not to let the advertised cost of tuition limit her boy.
if he really is as smart as everybody tells her he is.

after Keisha left the room i sat and watched TV for an hour from 9:15 to 10:15am.
i haven't had access to broadcast cable TV in years.
it was nice to flip back and forth between the CNN, MSNBC and Fox News, though, the state of television news really is fucking garbage.
all three news networks were camped out outside some Capital meeting room filming Congressmen as they staggered into and then out of a closed-door meeting one by one.
at 10:15am my Urologist came into the room to say hello and explain what was going to happen next.
“we're gonna drill down into your pisshole!!!” he said, then held out his hand for a high-five, which seemed inappropriately jovial.
he told me that, depending on how things went he may or may not have to leave a catheter behind in my pisshole and that i might have to pee into a bag tied to my leg for a week.
well that sounds way more awful then i was anticipating. i told him not to do that if he could avoid it.
after talking to the Urologist, the Anesthesiologist came in for a quick chit-chat, then it was time to get to work.
the Anesthesiologist gave me a shot of propofol into my IV and i got a funny taste in my mouth and got high immediately.
they wheeled me into an operating room and i made drunk, happy wisecracks to the staff until the Anesthesiologist gave me a shot of some other drug that put me out for good.
i was dead asleep for a dreamless two hours.
i was told the procedure itself took less then ten minutes.
i imagine the Urologist just smeared some petroleum jelly on a Bic pen and crammed it down my dickhole, up and down for a bit.
i woke up at 12:30pm in a recovery room, groggy and wanting to keep sleeping.
i looked around the room and saw that there was a nurse sitting in the corner and the first question i asked was “did they have to put a catheter in me?”
she told me they did not which was good news, and i went back to sleep.

an hour later, at 1:30pm i was woken up again by an older Asian nurse who was not Keisha.
she brought me crackers, both Saltine and graham and told me that i could be released as soon as i had a pee.
i ate the crackers greedily then figured i would give urination a try.
the Asian Nurse escorted me to the toilet.
i was wobbly on my feet and still mostly drunk, which felt nice. i see what all the fuss is.
in the bathroom i had my first chance to get a look at what had been done to my penis and boy was it a mess!
the stitches at the tip made the whole thing look like a sausage tied up with butcher string.
when i tried to pee, all i got out were a few drops of blood and a stabbing pain up my shaft.
the Asian Nurse walked me back to to the room and i closed my eyes and half slept for another forty minutes before some other nurse came in to take my vital statistics again.
when she was through i suggested we revisit the bathroom and this time, i was able to have a piss.
it was a rosé, pink in color from the well-hydrated urine and blood.
i sprayed all over the toilet bowl and both sides of the floor surrounding oit, like a thumb over a garden hose.
apparently every time i pee for the next week i would be spraying like an angry/horny house-cat.

having satisfied my pissing requirement for discharge the nurse went and reported to the Asian Nurse who called the PSE to let her know i was ready to be taken home.
the Asian Nurse went over a packet of information about wound-care and the drugs i would be on.
i would be on three drugs; something called Backtrim which is an antibiotic, Uribel which is for discomfort and the frequent urge to urinate cause by trauma to my pisshole, and Tylenol with Codeine in case i wanted to get high again.
the Asian Nurse told me that the Uribel will turn my urine blue.
i assumed she was just fucking with me, or, that it was some kind of dream i had while still mostly out of it but, sure enough, yeah, i'm pissing blue now.
not bright blue, but, like the tidewater of a pristine Caribbean beach.

a half hour later i got dressed from my hospital gown back into my cotton elastic-waist pajama shorts and tank top and hopped into a wheelchair for a ride out to the front door where the PSE and the Monster were waiting in the TITSwagon.
the Monster normally jumps in my lap for car-rides, but the PSE insisted she remain sitting with her.
we all have to take extra care around my giblets for the next week or two.
the Urologist said i couldn't have sex for a week, but that seems way too short of a hiatus.
i was planing on taking the month off from intercourse. the PSE and i spent the preceding weeks stocking up.
after dropping me off back at the apartment the PSE went off to the Wal-Mart pharmacy to pick up my medications because the hospital didn't pack me off any.
two of them were free on my Obamacare insurance, the Uribel cost $20 out of pocket.

i spent the rest of Friday doing surprisingly well.
my penis was sore and tender, but it wasn't crippling, just a mild discomfort making itself known.
i went about my business like it was any other day, the only difference being that now every time i had to pee i would piss into a plastic jug they gave me to contain all the mess.
i took one Tylenol with Codeine Friday night before i went to sleep but it was probably unnecessary and i haven't taken one since.
apparently an opioid crisis is all the fashion these days and i don't want to be seen as a bandwagon-jumper.
when i woke up Saturday afternoon i felt pretty much back to normal.
there was something wrong with my penis, obviously, but it wasn't pain or even discomfort, just an awareness that something was up.
i was able to get dressed and run errands Saturday afternoon and that went off just fine.

it has been one full week now since i got my dickhole drilled.
i wish i could report that i was back to normal but i am not.
the tip of my dick still has stitches in it and at the tip is a crusty kind of scab.
i am fairly certain that the stitches are supposed to dissolve on their own, but i don't know that for certain.
i called the Urologist to schedule a follow-up appointment, but they said not to come back for a month.
i'm not pissing blood, i haven't done that since the day of surgery, but i am still spraying blue in all kinds of directions like my dick is cockeyed.
at the house i just pee into the plastic jug they gave me but when i'm out and i have to go, it's all i can do not to piss all over my own pants.
i will be on Bactrim and Uribel for at least another week.

//[ab irato ad astra]

September 2017

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