xtitsx: (Default)
( 6 Jun 2017 03:36 pm)
a few days before the PSE's birthday i went out to get some Ding Dongs.
i seem to recall the PSE blathering about how she really enjoyed Ding Dongs as a kid.
she was ranking them compared to other Hostess products her mother always used to keep in the house.
that was actually a misrememberance, it was Ho-Hos that were the PSE's favorite with Ding Dongs in second place and Cupcakes in third place.
i don't know the difference between any of that shit. Hostess is a snack for the lower classes.
growing up upper-middle class, i was an Entenmann's kid.
but, i thought it would be a nice thing to do to get the PSE a favorite snack from her childhood.
we don't eat that kind of shit because it's gross and it has to have been over a decade since the PSE last enjoyed a Ding Dong.

where the fuck do you buy Hostess products?
our high-end grocery Central Market certainly wouldn't carry it.
i asked one day and the ordinarily-helpful woman covering customer service in the grocery aisles looked at me like i asked where the nearest titty bar was.
figure Wal-Mart would carry Ding Dongs and Ho Hos and whatnot, Hostess is the official snack of White Trash, but i didn't want to have to go to Wal-Mart if i could avoid it.
a few blocks from our apartment is a little convenient store called the Quik Sak.
i've never been in there because it's gross but one day while i was driving past i thought it might be as good a place as any to find some Ding Dongs.

i went into the Quik Sak and immediately got into a dirty-look contest with a scruffy drunk sitting at a video poker machine, though, i don't think video poker is legal in shops in Texas.
i presented myself to the Muslim guy working the counter and asked him if he had any Ding Dongs.
he said he did not, but pointed me to a rack with other little cakes chocked full of preservatives.
i went to go look at the rack and see if any were close enough to Ding Dongs to count for my purposes.
having no idea what Ding Dongs actually look like, i went to get my phone out of my utility belt to Google the things, but i had left my phone in my car in a rare bit of disorganization.
with no Ding Dongs and nothing that could approximate a Ding Dong as far as i knew i left the convenient store.
as i left i heard the Scruffy Drunk call after me “hey dude!” but i ignored him because i didn't want him to ask me for money or whatever.
the Scruffy Drunk followed me out to the parking lot and to my surprise accused me of stealing.
he thought he saw me pick up a preservative-packed cake and stick it into one of the pouches on my utility belt.
i didn't, that's fucking dumb, so i got to get myself all puff myself up with righteous indignation.

i went back into the Quik Sak and asked the Muslim working the counter if this Scruffy Drunk belonged to him.
he did in fact work at the store, as a stock boy.
i told the Muslim clerk that the Scruffy Drunk had accused me of stealing and he told me not to worry about it but, no, motherfucker, i am worrying about it. you don't just get to accuse me of shit.
i went back and forth with the Scruffy Drunk for a bit and demanding that he apologize for the offense.
i could smell the stink of alcohol coming off of him.
when the Scruffy Drunk refused to apologize i told him to call the cops to come and check me for the stolen snack-cake.
“i'll wait”
neither the Muslim counter kid nor the Scruffy Drunk seemed to want to get the police involved so eventually the Scruffy Drunk apologized and i walked out of the Quik Sak muttering cusses.
i entertained the idea of going back later, talking to a manager and making a big deal about this, i wouldn't really be fired until the Scruffy Drunk was out of a job, desperate and hungry, but, like most of my revenge fantasies, that came to naught.
i really need to work on nursing my revenge. i am far too forgiving.

i ended up driving to a regular, not-high-end grocery a mile or so in the other direction from my apartment, a Tom Thumb.
i called ahead and the lady in Customer Service said she did indeed have eyes on a box of Ding Dongs, though, when i got to the store i had to wander around for twenty minutes before i found the things because not-high-end grocery stores don't have people in the aisles who help you.
i gave the PSE two boxes of Ding Dongs that i had worked so hard to acquire and she was not as impressed as i was hoping.
maybe the PSE talking at length about her favorite Hostess cakes from her childhood was just a weird dream i had?

last Thursday, at 6:40pm the PSE came running from out in the living room where she sits around all day into the closet of the bedroom where i keep my office.
“Central Market Is Having A Tasting!!!” she said, excited and out of breath
apparently she was hanging out on the website of our grocery store [which is a weird thing to do] and she saw that they were having an event from 5:00 to 7:00pm.
“Hurry! We've Got To Go!!!” she screamed at me, and we got ourselves dressed quickly.
it was hot as shit out and we were tired, plus we were on a tight schedule so instead of walking the six blocks over to the Central Market, we drove.
the Monster came along for the ride, like she always does.

we were greeted at the entrance of the Central Market by a cheerful pair of employees who gave us a map and offered us some sweet tea, which we declined because we don't drink caffeine.
the theme of the event Central market was having was 'Taste Of The South' and there were fourteen different vendors offering free samples of their southern-themed products.
the PSE and i pushed a small cart containing Monster through the store, stopping at fourteen different stations to gather free samples.
first we had peach and key-line cookies by the front door, then in the produce section, a small green salad with some kind of dressing that was too oily.
at the other end of the produce section we had a collard green salad that might have been the best item on offer.
i don't think i've ever had collard greens before because i'm the wrong color, but this was good.
next was two bttes of chicken marinated in Kentucky burbon with a three-bean salad.
after that was something called 'Frogmore Stew' which was a fat shrimp and a bit of corn on the cob.
i didn't take a sample because i don't like seafood but the PSE had one and said it was fine.
in the booze section of the Central market they were giving away samples of some kind of alcohol i can only assume was moonshine, but the PSE and i obviously skipped that one.
in Health and Beauty some lady was giving away samples of some kind of Southern-inspired skincare products.
you don't think of people from the South taking care of their skin, but who are we to argue with free.
next up was something called Sally Lunn bread. the lady in charge of that kiosk explained that Sally Lunn is a kind of bread that was preferred by George Washington, presumably because it is extra soft and easy for him to get down with his shite teeth.
it was served with assorted jams.
next up were sourdough crackers that tasted like Goldfish crackers, then assorted dark chocolates, then something called a 'bumblebee cookie.'
there was more tea and wine that the PSE and i skipped, biscuits with butter and honey then Mississippi mud pie.
next came a guy shaving raw Southern prosciutto off of a pig's leg, across from another station doling out something called Brunswick Stew, which was chicken and potatoes and beans and okra.
finally, our Taste of the South ended at the gelato station with a lady handing out tiny little cones of peach and “hummingbird” gelato.
“made with real hummingbirds?” i asked.
apparently she'd been making that joke all afternoon and nobody appreciated it.

the PSE and i left the Central Market full on nibblings without actually buying anything.
which is fine, we spend enough money at the Central Market.
i also learned quite a bit about Southern food, having tried all kinds of dishes i had never heard of.
i really enjoy when the Central Market puts on their tasting events. it's the highlight of every month.

//[ab irato ad astra]

September 2017

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