xtitsx: (Default)
( 22 Jun 2017 03:47 pm)
two days ago, on Tuesday, i had an appointment with my Urologist.
it was a one-month follow-up to see how my dick was doing after i underwent surgery to widen my pisshole.
i could have told the Doctor the answer to the question of how my dick was doing was a resounding “not great.”

i went to the Urologist several months ago on a referral from my G.P. because i had been complaining that i pee too much.
i turned up for my initial consultation with my Urologist and was kept waiting for two, maybe three hours.
by the time the Urologist eventually came around i let him know that the customer service in his office sucks.
that set the tone of our first meeting.
i told the Urologist that i had three problems. in order of importance they were:
#1) frequent urination. i pee ten, twenty times per day, and can't go more then an hour without having to pee again.
sometimes i'll have to pee just a few minutes after i already have peed.
#2) sometimes it hurts after i ejaculate.
a dull ache in the tip of my penis that will last for forty-five minutes to an hour.
i know it's not V.D. because it has happened occasionally since before i was sexually active.
#3) i don't think i ejaculate as much as most people.
i can't say for certain, i haven't seen many other men ejaculate, but i feel like the little trickle that'll come spilling out of my dick isn't anything compared to the Super Soaker blasts of cornstarch paste that come shooting out of dudes in pornos*.
i have volume envy.
[*note: i do not enjoy pornography with dudes in it, i am a teenage-girls-masturbating-on-their-webcams kind of man but, when you browse the 4Chan seeing a series of ejaculating dicks is pretty much inevitable.]

i told my problems to the Urologist and his immediate go-to was “show me your pisshole.”
when i showed him my pisshole he said “well there's your problem right there...” apparently my urethra was just a quarter the size it was supposed to be.
the Urologist told me that that explains why i had trouble emptying my bladder all the way and it also explained the infrequent pain after ejaculation and low semen volume.
the urination part didn't make any sense to me, water will come out of a plastic bottle whether you open the lid or you poke just a tiny pinhole in the side, the size of the opening should only govern how long it will take to empty not how much can come out, but i'm not a dick-doctor so what the fuck do i know?
the Urologist told me that the answer to my problem would be surgery to widen my urethra and then he got up and left and that was it.
i walked out of his office five minutes later with the inescapable feeling that the Urologist had a bet with some other Urologists as to who could schedule the most urethral stricture surgeries in a given month.

i knew almost nothing about what pisshole surgery would entail, what the recovery time would be or the chances of success.
i wanted to get a second opinion to see if this was all even necessary but my Urologist is the only one in several hundred miles that my shite Obamacare insurance would cover.
i had no choice but to turn up to the hospital on the scheduled surgery date and see where this ride would take me.
it took me to pissing blood, stitches through the tip of my penis ad having to take a medication that made my pee blue for three weeks.
most importantly, it took me to splattering pee in every direction, a 360 degree pissy mess, like putting a thumb over a garden hose.
and while eventually i stopped pissing blood and i stopped pissing blue and the stitches in my dick eventually dissolved, one month later, i am still making a disgusting mess every time i pee.
and i am still peeing ten, twenty times per day with absolutely no change.
i was able to see my Urologist again for the one-month follow up and as him just what the fuck it was he did to me.

my appointment was at 3:15pm.
i walked into my Urologist's office and was confronted by in-your-face Christianity.
my Urologist doesn't want there to be any question about what god he chooses to enjoy.
crosses everywhere, passages from the Bible made into folksy distressed-wood art, awards from Christian Urology associations, a sign on the wall advising that the Doctor or the staff Chaplin can come and pray with you, if you like.
as an infidel i have never felt so unwelcome in a doctor's office but, again, this was the only game in town.
also, i had other shit to be annoyed by.
the lobby was overcrowded and two Mexican children were monopolizing the noise, screaming over a TV in the background and playing some horrible beeping game on their phone.
their mother just sat there oblivious to the annoyance her horrible bastards were imposing on the room.
after twenty minutes or so i was shown back to an exam room where an I-Pod on a stick kept trying to show me commercials for erectile dysfunction medication until i figured out how to shut it off.
after another forty minutes of mild annoyance, my Urologist eventually came around again.

the Urologist came and shook my hand and asked to see my pisshole.
i showed him and i wondered how many other people's dicks he'd just been handling.
the Urologist seemed pleased by his work and said that i was healing up fine.
i told him that i was still making a splattery mess when i pee.
at the house its not much of a problem because they gave me a jug to pee into at the hospital but when i go out, when i go to Law School twice a week, i have to cover my lap with several pieces of paper towel and stand at the urinal with my feet as wide-apart as they will go like i'm Larry Craig looking for a handy in an airport bathroom just to not piss all over myself.
all the same, six times in ten i'll at least get a few trickles on my pants.
the Urologist nodded and said “yeah, that's to be expected...” and told me that that would be the way things were for the next six months.
apparently what i'm waiting to happen is for my now double-wide peehole to “round itself off” like stones in a lake.
Six Fucking Months!
i sure wish somebody would have told me to expect this before i signed up for this useless surgery.

as for my frequent urination, Doctor Useless fed me some shit about how my bladder muscles need time to strengthen before they could push all of my pee out of my now perfect-sized urethra.
i couldn't escape the feeling that he was making shit up on the spot.
that he didn't even bother coming up with some bullshit before he entered the exam room, that he figured he would just wing it.
until i could build up my bladder muscles, he prescribed a medication called Myrbetriq which is supposed to treat frequent urination.
motherfucker, why couldn't you just prescribe me this shit in the first place and save me all the trouble?
because my Urologist wanted to make several hundred dollars cash money plus whatever else he could get out of my shite Obamacare insurance company for a brutal penis surgery, that's why.

my Urologist told me he wanted to see me again for another follow-up in two more months.
by which time, presumably, I Will Still Be Pissing All Over The Place.
i scheduled my follow-up appointment with a receptionist and left.
there was no charge for the visit because i had already exhausted my shite Obamacare insurance's yearly $600 deductible, mostly on this worthless surgery.

//[ab irato ad astra]
.

September 2017

S M T W T F S
      1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 212223
24252627282930