xtitsx: (Default)
( 25 Jun 2017 05:24 pm)
Captain Fantastic:
Captain Fantastic is a movie i had never heard of.
i suspect that's because it is one of those movies that i'm not really supposed to have heard of, one of those independent films that exist to be quirky and obscure, that got made to tell a meaningful story and then get quickly smothered by whatever the people at Marvel shit out.
if this movie made it to proper movie theaters at all it was only in ones that serve fairly-traded coffee and craft beer, in Brooklyn and Portland and Austin and other places that hipsters name their children.
the only reason that i ended up watching it was because the PSE saw it.
the PSE watches all kinds of movies while i'm at Law School or asleep or in the office/closet writing LiveJournals about watching other movies.
the PSE uses a Mexican website called Cuevana that lets her stream movies online for free and she decided to stream Captain Fantastic because she has seen everything else and because it costs her nothing but time.
and since the PSE has been unemployed since November, she's got time to spare.
normally the PSE only watches moves she figures i won't have any interest in but after she saw Captain Fantastic she decided that it was something she needed to bring to my attention.
and i'm glad she did.

Captain Fantastic is the story of some hippie weirdo who lives out in the woods, raising his children to be hippie weirdos.
they all live in a yurt together and they spend their days learning to be philosopher kings.
they learn how to farm and fight and sing and play musical instruments, they discuss morality and philosophy and political ethics.
a reviewer for The Guardian described the main character as a cross between Charles Manson and Captain von Trapp.
he meant that description to be derogatory, but that's exactly the kind of man i want to be.

the action of the story comes when the hippie weirdo's wife kills herself because there is only so much of living like that that anybody can be expected to take, and the guy and his six kids have to take a cross-country road trip to attend her funeral.
they drive across the country smugly juxtaposing their good and decent lifestyle with America's gross stupidity and decadence.
that takes about half the movie.
for the second half of the movie the Hippie Weirdo and his Hippie Weirdo Kids have to try to give their dead mother the burial she wanted, but her parents are an obstacle.
a confrontation with his dead wife's parents leaves the Hippie Weirdo questioning whether the way he is raising his children is the right thing to do or if it is peculiarity rising to the level of child abuse.
he has a crisis of confidence and decides to leave his brood with their straight-but-loving grandfather, but ultimately the kids find their way back to their Hippie Weirdo dad.
they all grave-rob their dead mom and give her a viking funeral like she wanted, singing Sweet Child O' Mine, which is particularly charming.
in the end, the Hippie Weirdo Dad decides to move his kids into a house and send them to school, but they still keep up with their hippie weirdo ways, the end.

even though the PSE recommended Captain Fantastic, even though i never would have heard of it had the PSE not told me to watch it, she was still apprehensive about me viewing it because it would only give me a boner to go out and do what the Hippie Weirdo is doing.
i have always been a play-pretend survivalist, i have always wanted to raise a dozen children out in the woods somewhere teaching them my crazy ideas and training them to wage a war against some enemy or another.
that has always been on my vision board.
the PSE was afraid that watching a movie about a guy doing everything that i want to do would only encourage me that much more.
like how every time i watch Terminator 2 i want to blow up a computer manufacturing plant.
and of course the PSE was absolutely right.
everything about what this Charles Manson/Captain von Trapp was doing with his kids is exactly what i want to be doing.
except the hunting, that's kind of gross, but, everything else is exactly where i want to be.
unfortunately, it's not anything the PSE wants.
but, then, she shouldn't have made me watch the movie then.

the problem with Captain Fantastic, if you had to find one, would be that it could be a bit preachy at times.
in the movie's efforts to show everything that the Hippie Weirdo was doing right and that American society is doing wrong, it kinda glossed over the fact that home-schooled kids are creeps.
the Hippie Weirdo wasn't doing nearly enough to make his kids mean enough for the world.
that's one thing that Public School does right.
also, if we're finding problems with the movie, what the fuck is up with the title?
the story of Captain Fantastic didn't have anything to do with anything you would assume from a movie with a title 'Captain Fantastic.'
there was no captaincy and nothing was fantastic.
i can think of a whole bunch of titles for the movie that would have made much more sense; 'The Widlings,' 'Out Of The Woods,' 'The Survivors,' 'Unibomber Prep School.'

for being a movie with an incongruous title that didn't make any sense, for being a bit preachy and one-dimensional at times but for ultimately being a movie about a guy doing exactly what i want to be doing with my life, and for inspiring me, Captain Fantastic earns a 8.3/10.

Finding Dory:
Finding Dory is the sequel to Finding Nemo, which is a movie i've never seen.
because i'm not a child and i wasn't a child in 2003.
i was aware of Finding Dory because it is a major movie with a wide release, but i never thought i would watch it because i am not a child or a teenage girl, or a weirdo pervert.
the last Disney movie i saw was Wall-E eight or nine years ago and i only watched that because the PSE made me.
the PSE went ahead and watched Finding Dory on her Mexican Cuevana website because she knew i wouldn't have any interest in it but for reasons i can't figure out she decided that there was something about the movie that i just had to see.
i really, really didn't want to watch Finding Dory but the PSE downloaded it from the torrents and made me watch it over my protest.

Finding Dory is a movie about an anthropomorphic fish with a severe brain condition who really should not be living out on her own because she doesn't have long term memory retention, but who, for unexplained reasons does live on her own because i guess fish don't have mental health facilities.
despite living on her own for years, the brain-damaged fish decides one day that she wants to go find her parents, who she got separated from when she was a fry.
she goes on an adventure across the sea with Nemo and Nemo's Jewish father from the previous movie, and they ultimately find themselves at a Marine Biology center.
from there, things become increasingly improbable with the fish interacting with the human world in ways that defy all reason and rules of physics.
ultimately, Dory and her friends are able to hijack a truck headed for Cleveland and crash it back into the ocean, reuniting her with her parents, the end.

Finding Dory wasn't all that charming, nor entertaining, nor informative, nor smart.
i really don't have any idea why the PSE thought i should watch it.
Finding Dory was just a kids' movie, for kids, that really shouldn't have been on my radar at all.
i guess i can't blame the movie for that, i blame the PSE for thinking that i had a reason to watch it, but, i have to be objective and judge all movies on the same scale.

for being a movie about an anthropomorphic fish doing increasingly improbable things that defy both the laws of physics and reason, for being a kids movie with no redeemable qualities for a grown-ass man of my caliber and for being a movie that i had no goddamned business watching, Finding Dory earns a 2.8/10.

//[ab irato ad astra]
.

July 2017

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