Mission Impossible V – Rogue Nations:
Mission Impossible V – Rogue Nations is obviously the sequel to Mission Impossible IV which is the sequel to Mission Impossibles I, II and III, which i watched back to back to back two or three years ago one day when i had nothing else to watch in Austin.
i didn't particularly want to get into the whole Mission Impossible franchise but sometimes i'll watch things just so i can say i am familiar with them.
i did the same with the Mad Max and Death Wish franchises.
i assumed when i watched Mission Impossible I, II and III that that would be the end of it, that i would put in my time and that would be it, but then they went ahead and made a Mission Impossible IV which i felt obligated to watch, and now again with V.
because as it turns out Tom Cruise doesn't have anything else going on.
the rest of Hollywood won't have him because he's a fucking fruit loop so it's either continue to make these fucking Mission Impossibles or put the poor little fella out to pasture.
if i knew this was a ride that was never going to end i never would have gotten started but, now that i'm in the middle of it, i can't very well stop.
well i can, i can and i should, but i don't because i am an asshole.

the copy of Mission Impossible V – Rogue Nations that i watched was a bootleg.
i guess i clicked the wrong thing when i was stealing torrents off of the internet and instead of getting a 1080p high-quality HD-DVD rip i ended up getting a shaky cam bootleg like Dominicans used to make in the 1990s and sell on the streets of New York City.
and it didn't matter at all.
normally i would rather not watch a movie then to watch a shaky cam copy but with Mission Impossible V – Rogue Nations who gives a shit?

the Mission Impossible franchise is a series of movies about Tom Cruise who is a super secret agent who does Super Cool Super Secret Agent Stuff to make Tom Cruise feel good about himself.
beyond that, i couldn't really recall a single thing about what has happened in the previous four installments but, that doesn't matter.
Mission Impossible V – Rogue Nations starts off with Super Cool Super Secret Agent Tom Cruise hot on the trail of some Super Evil Group of Super Bad Guys who's agenda is, i don't know what.
before Super Cool Super Secret Agent Tom Cruise can get on their case, however, his entire Super Cool Secret Agency gets shut down by the government because it turns out letting Tom Cruise and all of his Super Cool Super Secret Agent Friends run around the world doing whatever the fuck they want with absolutely no accountability or Congressional oversight is pretty fucking troubling and most likely illegal.
Super Cool Super Secret Agent Tom Cruise doesn't give no shits, though, so, instead of reporting back to Washington for a debriefing and to be absorbed into the CIA, he just goes on the lamb to continue being a Super Cool Super Secret Agent all on his own.

eventually Tom Cruise gets back on the case of the Super Evil Group of Super Bad Guys and he calls in all of his old Super Cool spy friends to help him take them down.
there is also a Super Sexy Lady Spy with uncertain loyalties who is somehow totally into Super Cool Tom Cruise and doesn't think he's too short at all because they way they film these movies, they make it seem like Tom Cruise is a normal height like a normal person.
a bunch of car chases and explosions and karate fights happen.
i'm just assuming i can't actually recall if they happen or not, but i'm sure they did, right?
that's what this kind of shit is all about.
i some point i do recall that Super Cool Super Secret Agent Tom Cruise and the Super Sexy Lady Spy Who Is Totally Into Tom Cruise have to break into some something that involves them holding their breath underwater for several minutes.
i don't know why, though? maybe it was a special underwater computer?

anyways, at some point the movie grinds to an end and we find out that the Super Evil Group of Super Bad Guys was a part of British Intelligence, or maybe they used to be a part of British Intelligence and have now all gone rogue for some reason?
they had a plan to kidnap the British Prime Minister to unlock some kind of case full of a doomsday weapon, or maybe it was money or a list of other spies?
i really can't recall.
Super Cool Super Secret Tom Cruise and all of his Super Friends are able to save the day in the end, somehow, and they all go back to Washington where Congress tells them, “okay, you guys can continue to run around doing whatever the fuck you want again with absolutely no oversight. it's cool. you guys are just too awesome for us to get in your way, the end”

the biggest problem with Mission Impossible V – Rogue Nations is that i can't tell you what the fuck it was about.
i saw the movie four days before i wrote this review, you would think that at least some of the salient details would have stuck with me but they didn't, at all, because there is nothing about this dreck worth remembering.
the other biggest problem with Mission Impossible V – Rogue Nations is that, like with the other movies in the Mission Impossible series, and with Scientology, it is all just an excuse for Tom Cruise to jerk himself off.
the whole thing exists as a way for Tom Cruise to try to convince people that he is Super Cool.
that if he just does enough extreme stunts and flashes that big winning, creepy smile enough people will all agree to like him, finally.
but, of course, that's not how being cool works and the whole movie reeks of Tom Cruise just not getting it.

for being a forgettable, great big waste of time, for being a vanity project for Tom Cruise and for failing in its singular mission, for being two hours of Tom Cruise trying so hard and failing so loudly, same as he always does, Mission Impossible V – Rogue Nations earns a 1.0/10.

Independence Day II – Resurgence:
like the rest of the world, i enjoyed Independence Day when it came out back in 1996 or 1997 or whenever.
fuck aliens and explosions are cool and Will Smith sure is sassy!
of course, Will Smith beat that sassyness into the ground with Men In Black and Men In Black II and Men In Black III and every other thing Will Smith has ever done since he stopped rapping, but, i mean, back in 1996 it was still worth something.
as much as i enjoyed the first movie, i don't know that the world needed an Independence Day sequel.
maybe in 1998 or 2000 but it's been twenty years now, the world has moved on.
still, if the mid-to-late 1990s come calling i will answer eventually, so, okay, Independence Day: Resurgence what have you got for me?

Independence Day: Resurgence starts off in a world that is doing pretty good since the aliens attacked back in 1996.
Humanity has used all the technology they were able to salvage from the aliens they defeated in the first movie to make a kind of utopia where there is no longer any war or discord on Earth anymore.
i don't know how the fuck that happened?
the aliens left behind technology for interstellar transportation, communications and advanced weapons, not a cure for Muslims.
how the fuck are you going to defeat radical Islam with a bunch of flying cars?
these people want to live in the 7th Century not the awesome alien-inspired future.
there is also no reason to believe that anything Humanity was able to salvage from the remains of the first alien ship would solve the problem of finite resources.
the only way there is going to be peace on Earth is in a post-scarcity world [without Muslims] but i have no reason to believe that twenty years after a near-extinction level event, Humanity got there.

anyways, the world is getting ready to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of the defeat of the aliens from the first Independence Day when, of course, the aliens turn up again to cause a bunch of trouble.
i guess these aliens have a concept of anniversaries, too.
which would imply that they have a calendar based on Earth's rotations around the sun, which is highly improbable.
the aliens turn up again and they crash their giant space ship into Earth and it presumably kills billions of people.
a handful of main characters including most of the returning alums from the first Independence Day movie manage to make it to Area 51 to organize a resistance, but not Will Smith.
Will Smith could not be arsed to turn up for the sequel.
which was probably a smart call on Will Smith's part.
but President Bill Pullman was there and Jewish Jeff Goldblum and his even Jewier father and Data from Star Trek.
together with some younger people, they all work together to stop the aliens from using laser beams to drill out Earth's core which they use to power their ships to get to the next planet to laser out the next core which they use to get to the next planet...
it seems like it would be so much easier for these motherfuckers to just settle down on a world, somewhere, but, i guess they just get a kick out of genocide.
eventually Bill Pullman and Jewish Jeff Goldblum and his Jewier father and Data from Star Trek and the three or four younger actors are able to stop the alien space ship because, conveniently, it is one of those circumstances where all they have to do is stop “the queen” and all alien activity including the laser drill will just halt automatically.
which is the laziest fucking writing ever.

the first half hour of Independence Day: Resurgence wasn't all that bad.
it had the atmosphere and ambiance of any science-fiction movie set in a future world where Humanity has spilled out to solar system and that's always neat to see depicted.
once the space aliens turn up, though, the movie takes a turn for bullshit, degenerating into a series of explosions and special effects and hammy one-liners that Will Smith could maybe get away with on a good day but coming out of anybody else just reads as desperate imitation.
perhaps the worst thing about Independence Day: Resurgence was that halfway through the movie Humanity ended up finding a magic floating ball that was supposed to be some other alien race who had come to help the Humans defeat the Big Bad Aliens which only really served to set up a franchise of sequels.
i assume the production staff figured it would be more lucrative to churn out these movies more frequently then every twenty-years, though, based on the way Independence Day: Resurgence performed, that was likely exceedingly presumptuous.

for being a pale imitation of the first movie, for taking the promise of a mighty epic blockbuster and reducing it to being nothing special, and for making me miss Will Smith of all people and his foot-shuffling antics, Independence Day: Resurgence earns a 3.6/10

//[onward ho!]

October 2017

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