My Mother's Birthday:
last Tuesday, 12, September, was my Mother's birthday. she turned seventy-six.
my Mother's birthday is just ten days after my own and it's been that was since as long as i've known her, but it snuck up on me this year.
it sneaks up on me most years. likely because i just don't give much of a shit.
i only realized my Mother's birthday was coming up halfway through September 11th when my news feed seemed to be paying inordinate attention to the terrorist attacks sixteen years previous.
“oh shit, it's September Eleventh! oh shit, it's Mother's birthday tomorrow. oh shit!”
by the time i gave any though to my Mother's special day it was 11:30pm.
i told the PSE who stays up way later then i do “can you go ahead and figure out my Mother's birthday for me?” but she had her own problems to worry about all night and didn't do anything for me.

i didn't have class on Tuesday, 12, September, but i had a whole bunch of reading to do for Constitutional Law that was scheduled to take up the entire day.
still, first thing, i tried to put together some kind of something to do for my Mother last minute.
it was too late to order her any kind of Macy's giftcards which is my default.
i've been doing that for years though, twice a year Mother's Day and her birthday and, goddamn, how much Macy's does the woman need?
i looked on the Amazon Dot Com to see what they had on offer but all they had available for same-day delivery were batteries and paper towels.
my Parents already have enough batteries and paper towels in stock that, when they die, it will be a fair portion of my inheritance.

the least i could do, i thought, would be to send my Mother a cake for her birthday.
i looked into different food delivery services, GrubHub, DoorDash, Uber Eats, but none of them were set up to run to pick up a cake from the Carvel and bring it to my Parents' house two towns over.
all of those services only work with “partners,” different companies that have agreed to let them manage their deliveries and they can't just go to other places that aren't on their approved list.
Favor does that, but Favor is just a Texas thing.
some of these food delivery services had partnerships with other bakeries but, fuck that, my family celebrates a special occasion with a Carvel.
ultimately, it turned out that my Father had a Carvel waiting for my Mother in the freezer in the basement, so it's not like my diabetic Mother had to do without any ice cream cake.

after an hour or two of banging my head against the problem i ultimately gave up.
i would have to call my Mother empty handed with nothing to offer but well-wishes.
whatever the fuck that is worth.
unlike my Father who is gracious and overjoyed simply to hear my voice, my Mother is not shy about making her disappointment known.
she doesn't say anything but you can hear it in her voice.
i gritted my teeth, threw a few platitudes at my dear old Ma, and begged off the phone quickly and in shame.
another year of disappointment for a Mother who expects too much.

-

The PSE's Anniversary:
last Sunday, 17 September, was the anniversary of the PSE signing up to be my partner.
thirteen full years together now!
i guess a more decent person would say that it was “our thirteenth anniversary” instead of the awkward phraseology above but, that raises semantic questions about what a relationship is.
is a relationship the union of two people coming together to form a new and distinct entity or is it that the PSE just added herself to me, a pre-existing entity, like a parasite?
i look at it as the PSE joining with me, a new stage in TITS, not that i somehow abdicated my sovereignty to join a new entity, though the PSE would likely disagree.
assuming she's ever analyzed the subject along these lines.
that phraseology is probably a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, and it says a lot about the kind of relationship we are celebrating, but that's enough discussion on the subject for now.
anyways...

unlike my Mother who expects at least a token tribute once a year, i am fortunate in that the PSE doesn't expect nothin'.
historically, our anniversary doesn't get much more then a basic acknowledgment, a congratulatory kiss and maybe a little extra effort not to fight that day.
there are no presents, no special commemoration, no fuss, no muss.
what am i gonna do, buy the PSE a bracelet?
she'd call me a dipshit and take it back to the Sears for a refund.

i do like to take the PSE's anniversary as an opportunity to do an annual evaluation.
what better way to celebrate the person you love then to tell them the areas they need to improve.
what i like about the PSE:
-the PSE is trustworthy
-the PSE is easy to be around
-the PSE is enjoyable to be around
-the PSE is funny and clever
-the PSE is still attractive and pretty despite being old
-the PSE is familiar and we are accustomed to each other
-the PSE is a TITS expert
-the PSE and i have a similar worldview and share similar values
-the PSE and i mostly want the same things out of life, with one important distinction below

areas for the PSE's improvement:
-the PSE could be way more compliant
i wish the PSE would just do what the fuck she is told but she doesn't. not at all.
the PSE is defiant and willful by disposition and it's fucking infuriating to have to date somebody like that.

-the PSE could be way more responsible around the house
do the dishes, make dinner, look for problems that need solving and solve them instead of just leaving it to me all the goddamned time.

-the PSE could get a work ethic
instead of fighting it and being lazy and good-for-nothing, the PSE can recognize that somebody needs to make money to provide for and that it's not going to be me so it sure as shit has to be her.

-the PSE could make more of an effort in the sack
the PSE and i only have sex like, thirteen times a year and when we do it's a pretty boring showing.
little more then mechanical humping, often begrudgingly.
we've been having the same get-on-top-and-wiggle-for-five-minutes sex for years now, no variation, no adventure, no excitement.

-the PSE could be way more romantic
she could make way more of an effort to say and do sweet things.

-the PSE could coddle me more and cater to my neediness and indulge me whenever i need indulging.

-the PSE could have a better disposition
she has a short temper and gets annoyed easily and that makes dealing with her unpleasant in the event i feel like being annoying.

-the PSE could have a better sense of self esteem
sometimes the PSE will get insecure, often about her intelligence or her abilities, and that's annoying

-the PSE could have a greater sense of honor
a lot of the time the PSE will say something and then not follow through.
not because of dishonesty, but because she just doesn't place much value on promises

-most importantly, the PSE needs to resign herself to having children with me
the PSE doesn't want to have children with me and that's a huge problem because i want kids more then i want to date the PSE.
but, i would prefer to not have to have to leave the PSE if i can avoid it.
i need the PSE to concede that one day, in the not-too-distant future she will take out her IUD, lay down and let me get her pregnant.
she doesn't have to be happy about it, she can even be resentful about it, but it has to get done.
sooner rather then later.
the fact that the PSE hasn't given me her assurance that that will ever happen, rather, the fact that she's explicitly told me many, many times that it will not, is a huge fucking problem and keeps me in a constant state of uneasiness about our future together.

+for the aforementioned reasons, and because of the long history of insult and injury that exists between us after so many years, my relationship with the PSE earns a 5.3/10.
plenty of room for improvement, though, not quite ready for the scrap heap
happy anniversary, PSE!

//[ab irato ad astra]
.

October 2017

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